I'm a blogger not a fortune teller

Hello , what are you doing here.


Are you not being a bit premature?

Please remember I'm a blogger not a fortune teller

Now go away, but do come back when the day is right.

In the meantime check out the rest of ME blog.

or for last years load of shit visit here http://www.amsterdamescape.com/amsterdamescapeblog.html

You never know what you'll find. Brace yourself.

Monday + Rain = Bad Day

Well it's a good morning for all ducks here in Amsterdam. For everyone else it's a horrible day. Started raining just after the concert finished on Nieuwmarkt last night and has not stopped raining since. Unreal and when I say rain I do not mean a light drizzle I mean a down pour but without stopping. Monsoon type shit.

Today there are 6 apartments to clean and with Mothership away, our Polish cleaner Anna who retired yesterday for to go try her hand in Russia now offically gone its all down to your's truly and Emmett , Dog help us.

Anna popped in just now to sell her bike to Emmett and we all sent her off to Russia with love.

The Romanians RL69 (alais Kruger) & Roxy texted us last night to say they forgot they booked tickets to go to Switzerland at 8am this morning so they cannot come to clean. Brendan texted back explaining the facts of life to both of them so they changed their flight time at a cost of Euro 130 to 8pm tonight. Their flight time is two hours and their return flight is 8am tomorrow morning so they where ever so slightly pissed off. "We are going to have to stay in the Airport at this rate" they sort of complained a little but in Romanian so we could not understand what they were saying. but it sounded like they were putting nasty Romanian curses on us. Hope bits of me don't start falling off.

There is no way just Emmett and myself could clean 6 apartments by 2pm specially while trying to learn two oriental languages.

Got up early and skipped the daily egg making as there were no takers but bought the crossaints anyway as I am like a preprogrammed robot and automatically head for the bakery six days a week weather I like it or not. Sometimes I malfunction and head for the bakery 7 days a week. But it's closed on Sunday's so I come away with nought.

Mothership is due back around 4pm , Giuseppe due back around 7.30pm

At present that's all the news that is the news.

More later after the return of the above --------------------But first a word from our sponsors.

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Heading to Amsterdam? Looking for somewhere to stay? Something a bit different? Well look no further - check out AmsterdamEscape

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BACK SOON.-- STAYED TUNED

19.51

Back again.
Surrering from pains in my chest, think I might drop dead any moment, Retards like myself do not have a long shelf life, why my mothers entire family on her fathers side all kicked the bucket in there mid 20's - early thirties a large tree fell on them while picknicking in the local park. One of those freak accidents you read about except this one really happened and not to mention my fathers entire family bar 1 cousin died in a large gas explosion , my fathers younger brother was trying to change gas cylinders for his camping stove right in front of an open fire, cylinder got puntured and next thing the house explodes into a million little pieces. The surviving cousin made a living for years afterwards boxing the pieces and selling them as jig saw puzzels.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Office is quiter, Only Myself and Kenny boy present, Brendan gone to rest his toe, Mothership relaxing and Giuseppe is on the way.

20.06
Tick Tock Tick Tock,
Any minute now a dark coloured man will appear in the doorway and it will be Giuseppe. Hevens above. We are all bracing ourselves.
He has been lying on the beach for 20 days and reports to be a dark brown shit sort of colour (Color - USA Readers)

Do you hear the drums Fernando?.
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Getting to bed is getting harder by the day

Good Morning Readers It's Sunday the 20 something of August.
Your friendly retard here with all the latest news and gossip from Amsterdam and Amsterdam Escape.

The headlines
Mothership has just flown the buildings to attend the last Morrissey concert in Belguim. After 5 months of following Morrissey all around Europe this is the end, the last gig. She has now seen him in Ireland twice, London, Iceland, Rome, Milan, Venice, Amsterdam twice, Budapest and now Belguim. I know I am missing a few others but I just cannot keep track of all her fllying about. A real jet setter Mothership has become.

The lowlines.
Weather today will be shit with a capital S.

In other news just in. Nieuwmarkt square is gearing up for another day of noise and mass crowds but looking at the sky the bands might end up just playing with themselves (by themselves) as it looks like a storm is on the way.

They are on stage now testing testing testing as I type, bells are ringing, birds are singing and crowds are arriving . Bong, Bong it's 12.00 noon.

Time for my 1st joint of the day.

Again today I have been drafted onto the cleaning team as our Polish cleaner Anna has departed for colder climates in Russia. Good look Anna, you'll need it.

Five apartments to clean today and just me, Roxy and RL69 (Both from Romania) RL69 is alias for Kruger a 6 feet 4inch crazy Romanian from Transylvania who escaped after doing 3 years for smoking a joint. Roxy is a sex goddess, a more beautiful girl would be hard to find and with a body you would kill for and as for the rest of her, always happy, always with a smile on her face. 100% perfection. Problem I have with her is everytime I see her my trousers start to bulge.

So just the three of us to clean 5 apartments. Well it's that time. Got to go and scrub. See you later readers.

Signing off -- 12.14 - More later after clean.

16.56
I'm back. Dirtier than I was before. One problem I have had my entire life is keeping my good clothes good. I have never shown respect for clothes or shoes. Only last week I bought a nice pair of trousers in Iceland and now after todays cleaning jobs they are covered in bleach. Another pair bites the dust.

As for shoes I never open laces and break the backs of every pair I buy. "It only takes a second to open them" Motherhip has been informing me of this for years. But it's the time delay and the waste of 30 seconds every time I have to try untie the messes my laces seem to get themselves into. but only 2.2 seconds with the backs broken to kick them straight off. I get this from my father also a professional retard of the highest order.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------We are counting down the hours for the return of Giuseppe. He arrives Schipol 7pm tomorrow night. Windows are being boarded up, gates chained, window locks fitted and we are just putting the oil on to boil. I think we are all set.

ACTION STATIONS
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Just had a crazy down pour of rain. 1000's ran for cover from Nieuwmarkt Square but it's dry again and the music is back on.
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GETTING TO BED
Since I was born I was a late night person. Bed and Sleep never meant much to me. If there was anything else at all to do I would do it rather than go to bed and sleep, I would watch paint dry rather than go to bed. And because of this I have found myself waking up in all sorts of strange places, missing stops on trains, buses, planes. On a trip to Bangkok with three of my mates we arrived at the airort, checked in. The place was packed and very few seats were available. I had not slept in three days , sniffing speed to stay awake as I was trying to catch up in work. I went looking for a seat and found one, sat down and fell straight to sleep. I woke up hours later and wondered where my friends where. I went back to the gate but the flight had left hours ago. Two of my friends turned up and told me I had caused the airline endless hassle. They had to find and remove our bags. They had made many announcements over the intercom system but I heard nothing. Donnacha my other friend had decided to stay on the flight but when he arrived he had no money and I had all the hotel details. He stayed in Bangkok airport waiting for us to arrive 12 hours later. They let us on the next flight which left in 10 hours so we had 10 hours to kill.

My Dublin friend Dean went on a stealing spree, 3 pairs of sunglasses (Designer), 3 watches (Swatch). My other friend complained he did not like the pair he was given so Dean went back in and stole a pair he did like. Just killing time until our flight.

I can sleep anywhere, even standing up. I guess I would need to sleep for a few years to catch up on all my missed sleep. I once fell asleep standing against a lamp post only to be woken up by Mothership, as usual.

I often woke up ( a few times a week) still in my clothes having fallen asleep sitting in one of my many bean bags I would then shower and go to work usually with the pattern of the cordroy bean bag all over my face. Work collogues would laugh " Another bean bag night Robbie". My house had NO furniture in it at all. I never liked normal furniture, chests of drawers, sofas or wardrobes and such like. I only ever got built in stuff so there would be no gaps. I hate gaps in anything. MIND THE GAP!.

When I would poster rooms with my huge collection of film posters I would spend hours finding the smallest picture to fill in the smallest gap.

I guess I just hate going to bed incase I might miss something. Am I crazy or just plain nuts?.

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7pm - BELLS ARE RINGING and drums are drumming.

Best go off and try cook myself something to eat. With Mothership not around a retard could starve very quickly.

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Brendan, Emmett and myself are taking the night off and are going to the movies. SUperman. While Motherships away the crew will play so they say.

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Time for a joint I guess.

See you all later.

Robbie Retard
The Hungriest Retard in four counties
Characterized by or expressing hunger or craving: hungry eyes. best go eat something before I turn cannibal and eat meself. Any animal that eats its own kind

Over and Out

Saturday, ya another one.

Well good day readers.
Today I updated several of my previous enteries and added lots, so you can now go read them all again.

Today is like yesterday and the day before but tomorrow is different.
I woke up today not knowing what day it was. All days to me are the same except Sundays as the bakery is closed so it's scrambbled eggs on toast and not the usual crossaints. but to day being Saturday I did not have to worry about this until tomorrow.

Nieuwmarkt is hosting the Uit Markt (Out market) ? it's a festival held every year but usually out in the sticks. As I type this the buildings is vibrating with the noise of the music. They have taken over the entire square and squeezed the Saturday organic market over into one small corner of the square behind the Waag. There are 1000's of people out on the square listening to the noise and every drug addict, crack head and pan handlier are on hand to relieve as many people of their small change or full wallets as possible.

Weather wise is not so good, a few hours back the hevans opened and everyone ran for cover but it is dry at present. Loads of drink and food stalls all over the place.

Joined the cleaning crew again today as we had Brendan doing the cleaning rota while Mothership fumed in the background "It's my job she said several times but a semi tone too low for anyone to hear.

So with Brendan F...... up the rota I got drafted into the cleaning crew.

Giuseppe due back Monday , we are all dreading it. Since he left his little dream pad has been raided several times, Emmett grabbed the DVD player, Mothership got his computer as her own died last week and now his monitor has been given to Amsterdam Home.

All hell will break out on his return. We were thinking of vanishing while he was away and still might during a future vacation of his. Packing up everything and leave for warmer climates. Giuseppe to return to a load of strange lodgers living in all the apartments including his own dream pad and none of them knowing nothing of us, Amsterdam Escape or anything else.

Amazing what goes throught your mind when you smoke 20 joints a day or more.

Last Thursday we have another disaster, We had a flood in HQ apartment.
The first we knew of it was the guest in Amsterdam Home phoned us to inform us that the fire birgade was outside and water was everywhere. Emmett as usual on hearing news of this sort went into a total panic. Fire, Fire in 106, fire brigage is there. Mothership, Emmett and myself ran towards HQ and could smell fire in the air. Emmett phoned Brendan who was in his second home (The bar) also ran on hearing the news. We arrived at the scene to find 6 or more fire men in our house after battering down to of the 3 doors (ever hear of a bell)
There were guests inside who could have opened the door to them.

The pump which pumps the water under pressure to the upper levels of the building had burst and millions of gallons or litres were pouring down the stairs and out onto the street , In the basement (Amsterdam Snug) was also being flooded , The lights then went so we could see nothing. The stop cock to turn off the water is located behind a mirroe in the snug so you could not find it if you did not know where it was located. Emmett screamed at the fireman to give him the flash light so he could turn off the water but the fireman kept saying that the stopper was above. Emmett SCREAMED "Give me the fucking flash light" The firman threw the light to Emmett and He and brendan ran into the Snug. The water was off. Next thing the fireman get a call to Nieuwmarkt Square a man has had a heart attack, all the firemen jump into their engine and with sirens blasting they speed off towards Nieuwmarkt leaving us with a disaster zone. "Sorry heart attacks over rule leaks" one fireman shouted as they sped away. Not sure what a fire engine can do for a heart attack victim, run him over maybe.

Just another day or is it.

Good day readers it's Robbie here.
It's Thursday and another exciting day at Amsterdam Escape. With Brendan out action now for 3 days with his swelled big toe it's down to Emmett and mothership to do all the work and more.

Today was no exception. After working all day we got a call from one of our guests around 7pm during one of our many organic coffee breaks informing us the windows in the apartment had fallen out into the street. They had the window open and the ropes which operate the window system snapped and the window came down with a bang , smashing the pains of glass and the police were outside. Neighbours had phoned them , It's a Dutch thing, anything happens call the police. For everything, they all call the fuzz, 1st chance they get.

Emmett, Dee and myself dropped everything onto the nearest clear surface, not an easy thing to do in motherships apartment as it's full to the brim with papers. All types of papers, news papers, business papers, rolling papers, rolls and rolls of half used toilet paper left over from guests which mothership ends up with somehow and piles of used envelopes still with their stamps on piled up waiting for their stamps to be removed for reuse.

Mothership being mothership found out many many moons ago that you can get away with removing most stamps from envelopes received and then reuse them. Mohership hasen't bought a stamp since the mid eighties. But over the last few years with more and more franking machines being used it's getting harder and harder to get the stamps. It's a dying business she informs us regularly.

Anyway to get back to this exciting episode , we dropped the coffee cups and all ran for the emergency poles with bells a ringing all around us.

Emmett and myself ran all the way with Mothership flying ahead of us, when we reached the scene Mothership had already arrived and was in the process of taking charge of the situation, quickly managing to win around the coppers (Police) and after having a few laughs with her, they left as did mothership.

Glass littered the ground and a large crowd of on lookers looked on as I got a large brush and started sweeping all the glass up. One of the nosy cop calling neighbours nosed their way to the front of the crowd and then nosed her way over to where I was sweeping. After a few words spoken in Dutch to me she quickly got the message and repeated in all again in English.

"Is this place being used as tourist apartments" she squeeked at me.
I must have looked back at her with one of my Boston Strangler looks as she backed off and returned to her husband also nosing but from the saftey of the path. I finished sweeping and put away the brush and broken glass. The nosey cop calling neighbours were still looking on from their doorway so I decided to walk around the block instead of having to pass them. Ken arrived (Laurel) and patched up the window then returned to where he had come from, the pub but on passing the nosey nighbours they cornered him and fired question after question at him. We are still not sure of his answers as he cannot remember the questions even after Motherships three hour interagation.

I ended up doing the final check-in of the day at 23.25 , their plane was delayed for a few hours due to all this crap with illigal hand cream and YK jelly and all other creams and liquids.

I think I will start my own airline " Take your chance airlines".

The world has finally slipped when a tube of hand cream can start a red alert on an airplane and have fighter jets scrammbled.
To do what I wonder, Shoot it down if it gets to close to Washington maybe.

Giuseppe finds Dog

Praise the lord. Giuseppe has found Dog in a BIG way honey or should I say Dog found him. It's all Emmett's fault. Emmett was heading home the other night accross Nieuwmarkt square when all of a sudden out of no where appeared a bunch of bible bashers. They handed him their card and just said "Praise the Lord" all at the same time and then moved on looking for another victim.

Emmett at first thought he was going to be robbed or at least molested in some way but no such look he just received the card. After they moved on Emmett stared at the card. On one side was a large THINK GOD and on the other an invitation to attend their church. Emmett who had just left Giuseppe after a solid hour of non stop Dog talk , everything from Mother Teresa to the guy with the hole in his hands and everything in between. Imidiatelly Emmett thought of Giuseppe who has a real problem as all the masses said in Amsterdam are in Dutch so Giuseppe is really desperate to find an English speaking mass.

Next morning was a life changing morning for Giuseppe on being given the card he quickly went onto their site and next thing Emmett knows he is signed up to attend mass on Tuesday. " Giuseppe I ain't going, I do not do mass or anything else to do with dog almighty. "It's a sign, Giuseppe informed Emmett, "he came down to you last night and gave you this card". "Is that what he looks like" Emmett said. I thought he was only 3 persons , there was about ten of them last night. Giuseppe went back on to the site to study it more.

Giuseppe I am not going , go on your own. Emmett said for the last time.

Ok I will go on my own. Giuseppe said.

Tuesday came and Giuseppe headed off at 7pm for the 8pm show. He returned at around 11pm and was full to the brim with Dog, pouring out of him from everywhere. " I felt him coming down the isles and went throught me". Giueseppe said on bursting into Motherhips apartment without knocking. Emmett and Mothership were enjoying their cup of hot chocolate when he arrived back like a crazy man who had just had a live changing experience.

Giuseppe went on and on for over an hour driving Emmett and Mothership crazy as they both hate anything to do with religion, Dog, the devil and everything else but there was no stopping Giuseppe once he got started.

Emmett agreed to go on Friday just to shut him up. Emmett attending mass. Not since 1979 has Emmett entered a church. Giuseppe never stops until he wins.

Further report after Friday.

Three little pigs go to the Gym

You have all heard of the story of the 3 little pigs well here is the remake. (abridged edition)

Once upon a time there was a gym called Barrys and their was Mothership who attended Barrys 7 days a week / 360 odd days a year. Happily she went nightly at 8.30pm sharp for 5 years.

Meanwhile on the other side of town their was Emmett and Giuseppe who changed Gyms nearly as often as their underwear.

They seem to have problems with every gym they join.

Amsterdam is a small city and there are only around 10 gym gyms. (Real Gyms) . There are a number of places which call themselves gyms but any real gym going person like Mothership would laugh while being shown round most if not all theses, but Giuseppe and Emmett have even joined theses places. But there is always a problem.

In their last gym The Pantanna (name changed to protect the innocent) the owner ended up attacking Emmett. Here is Emmett's version of events.

The place was been renovated , with a lot of competition now the owner was adding a few new bits and bobs. We should never have joined this place as it is a total joke of a gym. Our 1st trouble started even before we joined. After our last gym and the nightmare we had there we decided not to go on a yearly membership but to pay monthly instead.

The owner spoke No english and we spoke even less Dutch anyway after long negositations we managed to explain to the ape man lookalike that we wanted NO YEARLY MEMBERSHIP but to pay monthly. Euro 60 instead of Euro 50. After a bit of nodding on our parts and grunting on his we agreed with this and signed on the dotted line.
No direct debit on out bank accounts but would pay in cash 13th of each month. Only later I realised we were doomed in this gym. (Emmett is very superstitious) . It's only Friday the 13th is bad luck Brendan explained to them but Giuseppe being a doughting Thomas went straight for the internet to check this fact out. I think Brrendan's right again Emmett. Giuseppe said after checking several websites. Well I do not it's anything 13th, 13 eggs in a dozen, 13 drummers drumming, it's all bad luck anything to do with 13. My mother told me.

Well Emmett was right, This gym had very few members. At first we thought the guy was using it as a front for money laundering as we went nightly and were most nights totally on our own, like having your own private gym.

Problem was the owner was in the habit of saving on electricity (as I am) but this was crazy. Nothing was turned on, cold sauna, steam room without the steam and when you went from one floor to the other he turned off the lights.

You had to request the sauna and steam room to be turned on no more than 10 minutes before you were finished working out. I once tried 15 minutes but got such a look I never did it again.

Well to make a short story even shorter. the other day Giuseppe and Emmett went to the gym around 3pm. The owner was varnishing the counter and the fumes where unreal and with no windows and no air-co it was hard to breath. Giuseppe as usual could not breath at all. You cannot spray anything near, around or beside Giuseppe or he goes mad.
Anyway he stuck the fumes for around 30 minutes and then reported he could take no more and left, leaving Emmett alone.

Emmett stayed another half hour and then also decided to leave at around 4.15pm.

Next day Emmett decided to go to the gym on his own as Giuseppe was busy visiting Dog. On entering the gym , the owner was on duty. Emmett handed him his card but the owner was not interested, instead he jumped into a rage and started screaming at him in Dutch and in front of several other gym members, then vanished under the counter for a second and then sprung back up but now with a bright red face and brandishing a fire extinguisher and proceeded to run from behind the counter at the same time ranting and raving while still waving the fire extinguisher and pointing at the same time. Even an empty fire extinguisher is not light but the owner is built like an ape man with the strength of ten men. Emmett was scared and started to back up towards the door now fearing for his life. Eventually the owner managed to make himself understood. He was accusing Emmett of setting off the extinguisher in the mens dressing room the day before.

Emmett not a man to do anything silly like that got very angry but explained in a clear quite voice that "Not in a million years" . He then accused Giuseppe of setting it off. But it was set off after 5pm yesterday and as Giuseppe had left at 4pm he was also not guilty. Emmett then informed the owner he would be hearing from his lawyer , The ape man on hearing Advocate (Dutch for lawyer) he quickly changed his tone and apolgised as best a Dutch ape man can do.

Emmett left never to return.

Since then several reminders have arrived informed both Emmett & Giuseppe that they were in breach of the Gym terms and conditions and they now owed Euro 180 in arrears. Emmett wrote back and informed them of several reasons why he was not paying and we have heard no more from them.

Emmett moves to underground

Well here it is , Emmett has packed his bags and his entire life's collection and moved it and himself into a small tiny basement without any natural light and very little air and with him still smoking upwards of 20 joints a day the place is like hell on a good night.

You cannot breath or see with the smoke and lack of air. Giuseppe reported to the rest of the Escape crew on his return from helping Emmett move.
I love it, Emmett informed us , away for the world and everyone, sound proof, sun proof, people proof and every other proof. With all his life's collection surrounding him he has very little room to move it the place Giuseppe reported.
Don't be silly Giuseppe I haven't unpacked yet, why give me a few weeks and you will not know the place. Emmett added.

It's a small damp rat infected little dump. Giuseppe butted in.

Not at all , there is not a single rat or mouse in the whole house, Emmett replied.

No they are all married with large families Giuseppe said.

Ha ha , Emmett snickered, very funny. I'll give you Euro 10 for every rat you catch. Emmett informed Giuseppe.

No Way, I hate rats and I am not to found of mice either , That's a job for Brendan or Kenny Boy.

Both on hearing their names mentioned turned around from there computers, what ! What! both saying it at the same time.

Rats are your departments, Giuseppe informed them.

No we only work on our apartments, call a rat man. Brendan said and Kenny boy nodded in agreement

I don't need a rat man or a mouse man , my place is free of all vermin and is staying that way. I am letting nothing or no one in , as I said VERMIN free.

There are a few rat traps in my stores , Kenny boy said.

I don't need any rat traps , Emmett said , slightly raising his voice.

I think you do, Giuseppe said.

Well I think I don't . Emmett said, jumping in to cut Giuseppe off at the pass.

Look all come over to see my place and you can check for them yourselves, Emmett said inviting them with a look of horror on his face and forgetting his NO vermin allowed speech earlier. (short term memory loss).

Mothership breezed into the office and settled down close to her computer, what's going on here? she asked. What are we all talking about? she enquired.

She got four answers all at the same time, lucky for her she can revolve her head 360 degrees and can answer four questions simultaneously. She quickly shut the crew up and got them back to work. Dead or not dead, mice or no mice, rats or no rats everybody works today , now back to work, she fired.

Giuseppe builds his dream pad

Well it started today. Giuseppe packed his bags and said goodbye to the Amsterdam Escape circus and headed upstairs to live and work. He moved his desk, computer, shredding machine, gym bag, various pieces of clothing which have hung around his desk for months, most of the pens and other writing instruments which he claimed he bought with his hard earned cash. Rest of Escape crew laughed at the words "hard earned". He emptied draws of stuff to numerous to mention here into black sacks and moved them bag by bag upstairs to his new dream pad.

He has hired a team of carpenters to transform the flea pit into a Giuseppe dream pad. He also forged motherships signiture on a lease agreement with Dell for a state of the art (latest model) over head projector. The caepenters have built him a large dressing room with huge double bed on top of that. Also under construction is a large bar with all the bar fittings. I had a try of the bed. It's like being in a coffin as there is not much space between you and the ceiling. I think he made the dressing room to tall and now the sleeping area is suffering.

He has sent out invites to everyone he knows (8 invites issued) inviting them to his house warming party.


and the results can be seen here

Long Time No Blog

Hello everyone. Anyone out there???? Hello , Hello.
Well I know it has been some time since my last confession. Well over 1 month or maybe even longer . Have all my devoted readers left me for higher ground. Hello any Robbie readers left out there?

It's always the same story, you get sick, make a recovery and when you are ready to get back into the swing of things and your firing on all 4 cylinders all your devoted customers, readers , guests and the other lower forms etc etc have all packed up and left for higher ground.

Typical

Now I have to start all over again. I found a book recently called "Digging up customers" all about this guy who's business is not doing so good so he decided to dig up customers (with a shovel) crazy guy. It worked very well except he is now doing life in a central mental hospital.
Still not sure how he made money and I have read it six times.

Well my dearest readers (if any). Where will I begin, how do I restart, from where, here, there, last month, from the beginning, from today, tomorrow or the beginning on a new month. I really have no idea.

It has been a crazy month or so from the time Brendan arrived back from his 2 month trip to today it has been a real rollercoater ride but the waters have been calm for a few days now.

Well we will begin at the beginning I have decided so here goes nothing --- Once apon a time back when men were men and sheep were worried I led the same stress filled nightmare life I still lead today , 30 years on and counting. The End. Thanks for playing .

Now on to more serious matters, off hand I am not quite sure what more serious matters there are just now but I'll try.

Well to start Mothership is making a recovery, not 100% still and might never be, but we have high hopes.

Emmett is also still not 100% but then again he never was. He also suffered a problem with his back and is also making a recovery.

Brendan is 100% fighting fit as always but back in May after his return from his 5000KM / 2 month fun/drive holiday he got a bit sick/ flu or something. He was shocked as he is never ever sick. Skinny little bollox is in better shape than all the rest of us put together.

Giuseppe is the same old same old cronic hyperondriac and since my last out break of blogging he has had several tumors, a dash of HIV, several visits to the doctor who sent him for another round of tests (All negative).

About a month ago he left the office and went to work from home. He has not done nothing since then. Spends all day playing with himself in his apartment and surfing the net. Gis a job like that I hear you say, well get in the Q. I'm first.

This last week he has been sliding down the mood scale. He has been up on top of the world for several weeks now, maybe even 6 of them but we all new it could not last and we were right.

He has also found Dog in a really big way. It's good in some ways but mostly bad. Now when he goes a little crazy he gets a visit from above not sure if it's Dog himself or just a messenger boy, anyway a yellow card from Dog and he quickly gets back into good form. I have seen this myself with someone elses eyes. Thanks Dog.

Mothership received a shock 2 weeks ago when Giuseppe and Emmett decided to quit their gym and join Motherships. O' Dog I heard her say when hearing the news. "It will be great" Giuseppe informed her. "We will get you a bike and we'll cycle up together" Emmett informed her. Help! is all she could say. Two weeks on and still no bike.

Caroline alas Ball of fluff is as bubbley as ever . She started driving lessons 3 weeks ago and loves it. The instructor warned her yesterday to "SLOW THE F... DOWN before you kill us both".
He also informed her he has in all his years of instructing never met anyone who drove like her after just 3 lessons. I am not sure what he meant by that , ball of fluff told us on her return, I must be good at driving I guess. Remind me never to accept a lift from her. Brendan said as Ball of Fluff floated out of the office on a cloud.

Well thats it for now.

Coming soon

Giuseppe builds his dream Pad. 28/06

Emmett moves to lower ground. 29/06

Three little pigs go to the Gym. (date to be confirmed)

Losing my wallet once again. (daily)

Giuseppe & Dog make a deal. (Once a week)

Giuseppe & the job interview. (one off)

Mothership crash lands

Hello readers.

Robbie here. Reporting life from the mothership crash site.

Mothership is in PAIN. Real pain. Slipped this morning while dressing. Twisted herself and is now in 100% pain. Pain like you have never tasted before - unless you have went through a slipped disc.

She is out of action and with 3 sets of tickets for MORRISSEY in London, Rome & Dublin starting next weekend things are looking very bad. She follows this guy about all over the place, where ever Mossissey goes so does Mothership or did.

Send "Get well / Die quicker" messages to percy245@hotmail.com
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Weather.
Strange weather for May. Not warm like it should be. Actually like winter still. Giuseppe rang to say he is sunning himself on the beach.
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Giuseppe heads for Home

Calling all readers , calling all readers.

today's Head lines and low lines.

1. Giuseppe departs for hotter climate.

2. Weeks ceasefire called.

3. All remaining Escape committee members are all in pain in one way or other.

Pain
Ever had some? Real pain? I am talking PAIN not PAIN
Myself- I have pain and I am waiting today to hear from someone, anyone will do, ice cream sales man, doctor, Nero surgeon or whatever.
http://www.pain.com/

BB. Pain in throat and other parts. But is on the mend.

MotherShip - Strange rash on back of her neck.

Emmett - just one big pain.

and just before his departure this morning Giuseppe reported a pain in his lower back/bum.

All escape members need to Escape.

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GIVE US OUR DAILY EGGS.
Today seemed like yesterday to me but as it was not I headed to the bakery to get the crossies (
Croissants ) x 6.

On entering the kitchen area I noticed all was NOT normal. Monday 15th. Departure day for our Italian stallion. I bought 8 crossies but it ended up as eggs for 3. Just mothership, Emmett and myself reported for egg duty which was followed by downing a liter of lemon and lime juice (organic) and a lovely cup of fair trade coffee. NO Nescafe crap for us. The difference in taste is unreal. Remember you're just paying for all that advertising and getting lousy coffee. Fair trade is cheaper, better tasting and helps the poor farmers who grow it instead of making the Nescafe share holders richer. Help the Farmers get a fair price for their product and get a lovely cup of coffee at the same time.

I drink a lot of coffee. I am made up of 85% coffee, 16% water, 9% shit & 1% perspiration.

Switch brands TODAY. Look for or ask your supermarket to stock it Read here all about how you can help spread the word. http://www.globalexchange.org/campaigns/fairtrade/coffee/

Speaking of coffee - StarBucks-- I love them. But I read the other day the milk they use is Bad shit milk. I have complained to them. You can too using the link below.
Protest Starbucks: National Week of Action June 19th-25th
Despite over five years of grassroots pressure, Starbucks continues to serve milk from cows that are injected with genetically engineered recombinant bovine growth hormone, also known as rBGH or rBST. http://www.organicconsumers.org/starbucks/

Also Mars,/ M&M's are also baddies. John Mars and his family own the 3rd largest private company in the United states and have a personal fortune of over $10 billion each. Yet they still want to screw the coca growers out of a fair price for their coco beans. Which make the chocolate which makes their billions.

Despite such overwhelming appeals for Fair Trade, M&M/Mars continues to refuse to offer Fair Trade Certified chocolate, and reiterates total faith in the industry Protocol and other development projects. Despite the good intentions behind these efforts, none ensures the minimum price producers need, and the independent certification that consumers want. FULL ARTICLE -http://www.globalexchange.org/campaigns/fairtrade/cocoa/mmmars.html

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Need your life changed?

Need to change someone's else's life?

Then read this book ---- Jane Goodalls - Harvest for hope www.harvestforhope.com


It's a life changing book.
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Alarm has just sounded on my mobile to remind me to get my ass in gear and get on my bike as I am off to the dentist now- Yes even retards / retreads have to look after their teeth.

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Looking for a little democracy in your life, ----- well look no further.http://www.democracynow.org/

The news Fox and the other "Truth in the news" channels don't want you to hear about.

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The Meatrix 2 is now available to view. Click link.
http://www.themeatrix2.com
Do not miss this.

Another is Storewars http://www.storewars.org/flash/index.html

Or if you really really want to Meet your Meat click here
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16.17 pm

Back from the dentist.
He never turned up for my appointment. Only the dental psycho bitch was on who was treble jobbing, working reception, doing hygienist and general dogs body.

As soon as she saw me I knew I was in trouble. She rolled back the large glass windows which separate the receptionist for the low life patients and the rest of the world.

"Appointment with Mr Backer" She said with a little grin and a gleam in her eyes.
"Yes , 13.40" (twenty minutes to two -USA time).

" Well Mr Backer is still on vacation so I am taking care of all his patients" A look of horror must have crossed my face and then without warning she opened fire on me- firing questions at me from all angles.

"Why did you not return since our last appointment with me 6 weeks ago"? "I never got to finish the job on you". I told you it was a 3 course treatment. I expected you to made the 3rd appointment. Now we'll just have to start all over again.

I was going to tell her the truth, which is she is a butcher and should NOT be doing the dental job and stick to answering the phone. She shows NO Mercy. She actually is responsible for breaking my front tooth and then I had to pay Mr Backer to cap it.

Before I could get the words " I want to make another appointment with Mr Backer" out she had me lead into her web and got busy making my mouth a chamber of pain. As luck would have it Dog was on my side and between answering several calls, door buzzer and questions from the other waiting poor sods I managed to get out after a 15 minute session.

" I want you back here tomorrow , same time" to finish you off. she let me know half way through the 15 minute session I found it impossible to say NO as she still had several sharp instruments still in my mouth when she informed me of this.

Telephone rang once again.

Ok Mr R, see you tomorrow. Do you need me to write down the time or will you remember it.

I'll remember it, I replied.

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Well well well at 16.43 in strolled 2 of my most regular readers

Sara Merritt & Big Al.

We had an official escape office photo session together which due to several mishaps went on longer that first thought.

Between blurred photos and mothership not having ever used a digital camera before and even thought you still looked throught a viewing lens.
(never owned a camera in her life and never took photos of anything or anyone). Truth.

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more later after SPELL CHECK.

22.41

Well I spelled checked the above and it's about 77% correct a record for any of my blog enteries so I must be getting better at the spelling. The full stops, comma's and grammar I am still working on.

Well day 1 without Giuseppe went very smoothly, no noise, no fights, no raised voices, no screaming matches. If paradise is half as nice I just cannot wait to get there.

well my friends and dearest readers, I am signing off for tonight,

My pain is quite bad at present so I am off to pop a few pills.

Over and Out

Robbie

More pain for Robbie - MRI Scan

Hello Dearest readers.
It's me the one armed Robbie, I am so sorry I have not been blogging but I have pain still. Killer pain , Blog killing pain the kind of pain you would kill to get rid of.

Had MRI Scan the other day and I am waiting for the bad news.

When one is in pain it some how affects your ability to Blog.

I cannot think of anything to bog about accept pain.

So I guess the subject today is pain.

Pain is not nice, I never had pain before, well I had the odd tummy ache from over eating at Christmas but never pain like this.
I have had over 12 operations in my life so far but all voluntary except one. None of which caused pain like this.

I do not like them places called hospitals. Once you start letting them guys near you. It's bye bye black bird. Try as hard as you can to keep away from them. My father is 75 and has never been in hospital except the one time getting his eye sight corrected. He has always sworn that you have a much higher chance of dying if you go into a hospital than if you stay at home. Any now a days you do read a lot more about hospitals being a breeding ground for killer germs.

Anyway I will know on Monday if I have to have an operation or not.

Robbie the sickest Retard in all Amsterdam.

The return of Brendan - day 65 of 65

Well well well today's the day. Day 65 of 65 , the final day . THE RETURN OF BRENDAN DAY. If you go down to office today ones in for a big surprise because gathered their for certain of course will be BB or what's left of him after a 36 hour travel endurance course, Sydney to Bangkok, then Bangkok to London then London back to Wonderland.

Problem is we do not know this arrival time so we are busy getting his desk cleaned and polished. We did try grill his arrival time out of Caroline (Ball of Fluff) but she is some tough cookie and is a hard egg to break, nut to crack a real double Dutch sort of girl.

Even using the special retard truth syrup which we managed to get her to down half a bottle of it without her knowing, but without much trouble as she is quite fond of most things which some in large wine shaped bottles.
Within a few minutes of her first few glasses she started talking and kept it up, we heard it all, the long the short and the small and even the tall all sorts of stuff poured out of her but not the required information. Everything but.

Shutting her one was the main problem after 14 hours of hearing nothing but the truth , stuff you just don't want to hear. Truth about this, that, him, her, me, Giuseppe, her mother and father, 65 days of travel truth and nothing but the truth it gets to a point when swords are drawn and killer beaming eyes start to look for their first victim. " You really hate me do ya"? " You said that about me" . " I agree" . " Bollox". "No way I never said that" "He's a f...... Liar" , More bollox and even more of the same. "What the hell". "You bastard". Bla Bla Bla.

Finally we had to drug her and put her to bed to shut her up.

Anyway we never did find out Brendan's arrival time so we are busy busy busy with 2 months shit piled up on top of it which had to be sorted or dumped mothership and Emmett got stuck in.

Giuseppe was barred from helping as his sorting skills are still developing.
His idea of sorting a desk piled with stuff is still the black bag trick .
1. Hold open black bag
2. Use extended arm and start at one end of desk, shelf or any counter top which is to be sorted.
3. Move arm in a straight direction along the surface sweeping everything in sight along it and off the other end straight into the black sack. " Sorted" Giuseppe style.

3.40PM
Brendan arrives back.
Hugs, kisses, tears, relief and every other emotion you can imagine and even some you cannot.

Brendan and Giuseppe dragged all BB's bags upstairs to his apartment but on opening the door it looked like a war zone. ball of fluff is back less than 48 hours and has turned a newly cleaned apartment looking like a $1 million dollars into a 1* flea pit. Bags, food, nickers all just thrown onto the floor, Tuesday's & Wednesday's dinner plates with the remains of both just piled into the sink.

They saw several mice tucking into a half eaten sandwich left on the window seat and went over to interview them. Johnny & Michael Mouse explained all the going on in the apartment since their (BB's & B.O.F's) departure back in March.

Pickings had been lousy and with the entire apartment cleaned from top to bottom within two hours of them leaving they were starving to death. At one point they had a general mouse meeting and voted 2/1 to pack their bags and move on. Then as luck would have it several large Americans arrived to stay in BB's place. So they decided to stay.

They went on complain about dirty tricks being used against them and that they had lost two of their gang in an ambush recently in the kitchen area. (Mouse traps). Poison was one thing , "We can handle that" but them traps ." We are totally blind you know". They said they were officially complaining and Brendan would be hearing from their lawyers. (Brendan agreed several years ago only to use poison and then only when forced to by BOF). Brendan loves all dog's creatures and cannot stand cruelty to anything or anyone. Will not even kill a fly, catches them and lets them out the window, this goes for all crawling or flying things which most of us squash on first sight but not our Brendan. He loves them all.

Brendan arrived back into the office after a short time after he had carried out the three s's - shower, shit and shave and looked like a new man.

"BB reporting for duty" he announced.

We told him things had changed since his departure and that we had invested in a new booking system as well as new phones and other bits and bobs. Brendan is a creature of habit and does NOT LIKE change.

Anyway within a short time he seemed to take to the new system like a fish out of water -say no more for now but I'll keep you posted.

Well it's heading into the 6th of May real soon so if I do not stop typing now I will be a day behind or even ahead of myself and you know what that can lead too. No not piles.

Well it's good night from me and it's good night from me. I did tell you I am 2 persons in the one Dog.

Over and onwards

Robbie Retard
It's not be baby, it's the mints.

The return of Robbie

Hello dearest readers it's a one armed Robbie here.
I have to type with my left hand only so my typing may be even worse than usual and with my spell cheker out of order and my eye sight fading I hope you will be able to understand most of this load of .........

Well today we got some surprising news. When Bendan and Ball of fluff left back in March we naturally thought they would arrive back together on May 5th as they were supposed too.

Not a bit of it. Ball of fluff arrives back here in less than 5.35 minutes .6.35am to be totally accurate and with guest in here apartment NOT checking out until midday and the contents of her apartment presently residing in Motherships already over cramped, overflowing studio bedsit it's total mayhem.

We thought we would have 3 days to get the place back to March 5th state but now are plans are totally twarted and we have been caught, like rats in a trap.

What's wrong with that I hear you ask, --- I'm getting there, I am trying to give you a bit of build up and you guys want me to skip right to the punch line.

Well minutes before leaving way back on March 5th ball of fluff visited mothership and got her to swear on a pile of Gideons that she would

1. Allow no parties to be held in her apartment by Giuseppe or even worse a Derek the devil two day bash (now famous all over Amsterdam) as is the Devil himself.

2. Not rent out her apartment while she was away as her stuff was not put away and it would all be messed up, lost, broken, stolen or worse.

After mothership swearing on a room full of Guideons left behind by a previous guest, ball of fluff went away happy and had a big smile on her face knowing that mothership was a womon of her word and her apartment was in safe hands. In fact safeer hands would be hard to find.

As she and Brendan headed off accross the square on their way to the train station to start their two month escape the 1st guests were arriving for their apartment actually passing them on Nieuwmarkt square.

Giuseppe behind all our backs had been advertising their apartment on a web site and had nearly fully booked it for the entire 2 months in an efford to pay off all his credit card debts and other creditors.

Well just another story waiting to unfold.

We'll go live later today for the return of the fluff herself.

Now 1.24am here so I must hit the hay and make play.

over and out

Robbie
The one armed Retard

Queens Day.

Hello all

Today is Queens Day.

Crazy Day

Free Day

If you have never been to Amsterdam for Queens day weekend it's a must see before you die type of thing.

Over 1 million people mostly dressed in orange take to the streets of Amsterdam and have a party. A free open day where anything can happen and ususally does. A mad day you are allowed do anything (except murder) and you will not be arrested or fined.

1000.s of owners set up stalls outside their houses and sell everything from the junk in their houses, champagne and strawberries, home made wine and lots of games as well like try balance a 20 cent coin on an apple in a bucket of water plus the usual ones like burst baloons with darts, get 3 darts into the same bank note and win the note (Euro 100, 200, 500) except if you watch the games long enough you will see NO ONE wins as either the darts are totally blunt or the notes are stuck on to a metal/steel plate.

The best area is the Jordaan area / Princengracht area. The amount of people and boats is amazing and everyone so happy.

This years weather was very nice, a wet Queens day is a real bummer but a warm sunny Queens day is so special.

Robbie in pain- Joe Bloggs standing in for RR.

Hello fellow retards. It's me Joe bloggs just popped in to report on why Robbie has not been blogging in so long. To cut a long story very short he has pain, you name it he's got it. Pain to the left of him , pain to the right and even pain stuck in the middle of him . It all boils down to a trapped nerve in his back , shoulder and arm and other places to numerous to mention. It's affecting his mind as well as his writing hand and his brain is not too good either. As I type this he is being strapped into a straight jacket by mothership and Giuseppe. They caught him trying to cut of his arm as the pain is so bad. Yes that bad.

So I guess he will NOT be blogging for quite some time.

Not very much news I can report on as I am not a retard but a retread. I am a very different type of guy, unlike Robbie I am not a professional drug addict. I spread the word, I spread the the lords good book "Praise the lord" , I'm the guy who goes about the place placing the copies of the lords book you have the pleasure of reading in every hotel room in the world. You guessed it It's me Freddy Gideon. , mother of Mary & Joseph Gideon. We had been printing them bibles in our back shed for years until some rich dude fell down our stairs and landed on a pile of bibles breaking his fall. He jumped straight to his feet and starting running around our basement screaming "Praise the lord", "Praise the Lord" and next thing we know he builds us a huge office block and buys us the worlds fastest bible printing presses and since then we have never looked back

In the end it was a bible that killed him, a collectors edition of our gold plated Gigeons limited deluxe edition we presented to him fell off the wall and landed him square on the head. BANG! Lights out. He left his entire fortune to us.

We now print 3.3 million bibles a week and with a little help of my friends we spread the word.

Our sole purpose is to win men, women, boys and girls to a saving knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ through association for service, personal testimony, and distributing the Bible in the human traffic lanes and streams of everyday life.

If you know of any human traffic lanes we have not filled yet let us know rightaway. mail us quick as we want to cover all human traffic lanes as quickly as possible - humantrafficlanes@gmail.com

It's a full time job and it's getting harder all the time. More and more hotels, motels and other accommodation places are not allowing us in. Imagine it, the lords good book not allowed a room.
But the lord said to me " Don't give up" and I told him straight "I will follow you, follow you where ever you may go, I am like a royal Canadian mounty I always get my book in.

By hook, by crook or any other way I get the lords book into over 3.3 million rooms a week. I climb drain pipes, dress up as maids, janitors, under takers, guests, hotel managers, health inspectors and other low life's all in the name of the lord dog himself

"Praise the lord"

I can get a 300-400 room hotel booked out in less that 1 hour 50 minutes just by setting off the fire alarm.

I have to keep ahead of the posse so I am constantly having think of new ways to get the books in.

Even moving the 3.3 million books about in my car is taking more and more time but I have managed to dig up a few helpers, Matthew a tall thin bible basher I banged into one day while using a hotel dumb waiter to get a load of bibles into a hotel only to find Matthew already using it to escape from the hotel without paying his bill. I bought him a coffee and a big breakfast and ever since he has helped me spread the word.

Mark one of our other helpers is a little less of a bible basher he is more like a friar tuck type, a cross between a wrestler and ape, drinks, farts and even makes his own ale.

Luke one of the latest recruits came along out of the blue he was looking for a new way of life and happened to bang into us and he has never looked back, infact he hasn't looked anywhere in years since he is blind from birth.

We may look like an odd bunch but we get the bibles out. "Praise the lord"

Hopefully Robbie will be back soon but until then it's best I get back to getting the truth out to the hotel guests, the whole truth and anything but the truth.

For your free copy click here and win.

63-48=Heven, Praise the lord. But the worst has yet to hit the fan.

Hello all , ya it's me . ROBBIE, remember me . I know it's been a longgggg time but you must forgive me as I have at least 1o3 different reaons, one of which your sure to fall for .
I could start listing them here but I fear I may bore you and with me bursting with blog stories I just do not have the space to spare

Eggs make daily without fights friction or even raised voices reported mainly due to complete exhastion of the three remaining surviving escape committee members, Emmett, Giuseppe & Mothership. All working 18-25 hours a day 8 days a week or more.

They have managed 5 weeks, 3 days, 7 hours and several minutes how much more they can take is anyones guess. I'm taking bets on who snaps first but I cannot name names.

If your a gambler please place all bets by mailing me at robbieretard@gmail.com I am giving the following odds - E..... 1/4 on. G....... evens and M......... 5/1.

I think I'm alone now-----Help! I am.

Hello every one., It's your favorite (favourite) retard here. Robbie .

I am been nominated for the slavery of the year award . I am only a little retard and they have me working like a don't know what, a yellow belly or maybe some sort of lower life form. "I'M A PROFESSIONAL RETARD" I screamed today but there was no one around to listen.

I am all alone. Me, Robbie captain of the ship (Titanic) and with several large holes already reported mostly in my brain I am sinking fast.

Giuseppe AWOL

Mothership - In Dublin seeing Morrissey (love of her life)

Brendan on day 43 of this 65 day Aussie tour.

So it's me all alone here in the basement reporting live on today's happenings.

Only Mothership and Emmett reported for the eggs today. Being good Friday (Easter) the bakery was packed with egg buying Dutch people.Frankly (I never did see anything good about good Friday except a day of school or work). If took me best part of 5 minutes to get to the counter and that's with me using every trick in the book " Fire" "Fire everyone out" Me being a ventriloquist since before I was born It comes in mighty handy in bakeries where there are large amounts of people of all shapes and sizes eyeing up your crossies with their beady eyes. A couple of barks , woof woof (bark bark) and a few "Fire Fire" and your to the counter in no time at all.

Eggs were really extra tasty today , reason unknown. X factor.

Another busy day to day with more check in's and outs. Mothership was hovering here flying there and generally popping up everywhere. With her flight less than two hours away she was cracking the whip and kicking ass and writing 100's of memos of things to do in case of every eventually.
She is only going away for less than 48 hours but I guess you never know, why look what happened to Gene Pitney and he was only 24 hours from Tulsa.

With less than 2 hours before your flight Mothership reports her passport is missing. Images of missing Morrissey flash into her head and she turns into a mental case.

Passport turns up just in the nick of time and she's off.

I'm on my own well Giuseppe is still about somewhere.
Just remembered he has gone to pray to Dog as it's doog Friday.

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today's Weather.
Well we had it all here today. Rain, earthquake, thunder and lighting and very sunny in parts. But in shaded areas very windy and cold.

I stayed in the basement dungeon all day and only ventured out when really necessary.

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AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT - the following is NOT funny so please refrain from laughing. Remember I am watching you.
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AMSTERDAM ESCAPE IS UNDER ATTACK -- RED ALERT -- RED ALERT -
Well readers Amsterdam Escape is a victim of it's own success. The City council has decided we are no longer allowed to operate in Amsterdam.
They have informed us if we do not stop we will be finded Euro 10.000 1st offence, Euro 30.000 for 2nd offence and Euro 90.000 3rd offence.

We intend to fight them on the beaches but we know we are doomed before we start. What a joke. Just because we are doing something which the hotels cannot do they have the power to close us down. We are as legal as we could possibly get. We have a company, we pay tax, vat, city tax, personal tax and many other taxes which the government have accepted for 5 years now as well as the city council accepting their 5% from a business which they now say is illegal.

We also have an asshole of a journlist (Hans Moll) on our backs who keeps writing nasty articles about us in one of the top read news papers here in Amsterdam. After the 1st article was written last year we got a raid from the council at 7.30am who came with the police and questioned all the guests we had staying at the time. Poor guests where still in bed and had to answer questions in their underwear.

I regret to say Amsterdam is quickly turning into a semi police state and all in just 5 years.

This prick has gotten a bee in his bonnet about us. We suspect he is on the pay roll of some hotel or the hotel assocation to write articles about us to
make the council react.

He spends hours on our site almost daily (we know your IP address asshole) studying the apartments hoping to find out where we are located so to cause us even more harm than he already has. What a prick.

We spotted him outside our buildings yesterday taking photos of them and he phoned us twice last week trying to get us to react to him so he can quote us. He even sent several enquiries looking for accommodation to see if we would reply. Silly little man is wasting his time, all we are doing is helping Amsterdam by bringing tourists to the city and insuring they leave with a smile on their faces and wishing for the day they can return once again.

AmsterdamEscape has now been voted the number 1 place to stay in all Amsterdam. Out of over 300 hotels. Our guest books overflow with amazing comments praising everything we do and guest after guest write comments on the net giving us 6 or 7 out of 5.

Victim of our own success.

Sorry readers had to get that off my chest.

I am thinking of reguesting all my readers and all our previous guests to start writing to Amsterdam's Mayor, city council or both and getting a petition up.

one any other ideas please let us know. A Timothy McVeigh job is not on the cards YET. But it's under review.

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Well I have now depressed myself so much I can type no more.

I'll have a quick joint and a cup of coffee (No mothership hot choc tonight) so I'll have cup of coffee.

Back soon but If I am not, don't give up on me readers , dog knows we have come this far. Onwards and upwards.

Robbie





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Saturday with a few spare hours before the storm.

Well hello readers. Really sorry it's been so long since my last confession I just don't know what to say, where to say it or even where to begin. All I will say it's been a roll and rock, up and down roller coaster ride since my last entry.

The pressure and work load is getting to the remaining escape committee members. Cracks are beginning to appear in all sorts of areas. Tensions are running very high and at any moment over the smallest thing any one of the remaining escape committee members could implode, explode, self combust or even worse down tools and go on strike or go slow. Some members go very slow already so with a go slow on , nothing gets done.

Do I remember the last one! I'll never forget it. It started on a Thursday or was it a Friday back one year ago today or was it yesterday, anyway it all started at around 3pm.

Funny enough the day started like any other day, eggs were made, no fights recorded and everyone went about there own escape business. Giuseppe was in his usual Jeckal & Hyde humor and Emmett was surrering from bad knee syndrome and lack of sleep from the pain but was really trying to keep a stiff upper lip.

Mothership had even worse problems and was laid up with a trapped nerve in her spine and could not even think never mind talk or walk. She spend 6 weeks lying on a sofa unable to move with the pain in average daily temperatures of around 30 degrees Celsius.

Without mother ships presence, the wheels of the machine start to creak and within a short time they grind to a halt. Things like colour coordination go out the window within days of her absence. Under motherships rule all sheets, towels, bed clothes and everything else must match the colour of the apartment. Dog help anyone caught putting a red sheet on a green bed or mixing pillow cases, such errors are frowned upon by motherhip and one does not want to get on the wrong side of her. Why with one lash of her tongue she can kill a man at 10 paces and pick his pockets at the same time. Once you are summoned to her chambers very few make it out alive and the one's that do never talk about their crime or punishment.

Well poor BB was really feeling the heat with being left to run entire operation on his own.
With Emmett and Giuseppe being about as useful as a used toilet roll he was beginning to pull the last few remaining hairs from his head.

It's takes a lot for Brendan to loose it but then he does everyone hears about it. It usually starts with the silent treatment and the lack of played music in the office and it moves on from there to answering the phone differently from normal and with one word answers to the clients which is one more that the rest of us get I suppose and then finally he will flip and then it's bye bye BB for a day or two.

TO BE CONTINUED.

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Amsterdam today.

Today started sunny but quickly turned to rain and looked like we were in for a nasty day indeed. With 6 check in's and outs we were busy busy busy.
Suddenly and without warning the rain stopped, the clouds parted and the sun popped out to say hello and welcomed us Amsterdammers to the 1st day of summer. What happened spring I hear you ask, well it never came, winter up to yesterday and about 3pm summer arrived.
That's Amsterdam for you. You can get all 4 seasons in one day here. The Netherlands is such a tiny country the weather changes almost hourly.

Well it's 11.26pm here in wonderland and it's hot choc time. Mothership makes a wonderful cup of hot choc. We even have organic marshmallow as we discovered to our horror a fews months ago that our life long favourite Princess marshmallows are made with beef gelatin so we stopped buying them in protest.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Giuseppe has gone out with the little devil himself Derek. Derek it a young 24 year old Dutch boy. Tall, thin, very good looking and completely crazy. Banned from driving for a year only a few weeks ago he has just driven up outside of the office and collected Giuseppe and off they went. Derek & Giuseppe two of a kind , once they get together anything can happen and usually does. Derek has a nose for a party, he can smell a good party, mostly illegal gatherings in squats or fields or on the beach, their kind of places. All last summer they vanished off on a Friday and returned on the Sunday without sleeping. Party on dude.

More later after chocolate 11.37pm fresh.

12.44am
I'm back from my hot choc break and a chat with mothership about tomorrows work. Another busy day. Ist check in 7.30am except their apartment will not be ready until 2pm as we have guests checking out at 12 noon. So a long wait for the arriving guests. Sorry folks!.

Giuseppe just phoned, sounded out of this head on something, says it's vodka. Telling me about the house he is in. Mice everywhere. This is the kind of place you end up in when you go out with the devil himself. Mice infested squats with furnishings which have been collected off the street, usually with no electricity, candles only. But this one has power so you can see the mice more easier. I ended up in one a year or so a go. Mice were running around having a great time, climbing up the lead of the kettle and running about as if they owned the place. I sat in terror watching their every move. The guys living there did not even bat a eye lid when one mouse decided to be very brave and venture out of the kitchen and into where we where sitting and help himself to the remains of a pizza which had been delivered a short time earlier and was not yet finished. I just sat and watched as I always do.

"He's very quiet, your friend" I heard one of the guys saying to Giuseppe in the kitchen. "He's deaf" Giuseppe replied. Word quickly got about that I was deaf and from then on for the rest of the night I was deafened by people screaming into my ears and making all sorts of attempts at sign language to make themselves understood. I just nodded and laughed and let on I understood every word. I know I made some errors from some of the facial expressions I was getting back.

Giuseppe got me later on to tell me I had really upset one guy who was telling me about his girlfriend going off with his father and how he had tried to kill himself and that I kept laughing and grinning all the time. Word soon spread, "Keep away from the retard".

By the end of the night I was all alone by myself, an outcast among outcasts, the lowest of the low. Branded a crazy by a bunch of the craziest crazies you'll ever meet. I've dug up better people than the collection of lower forms I met that night during my days as a grave digger and undertaker. But that's a story for another night ( I was offering cut price funerals).

I decided to depart this rabble and slipped out a side door and vanished into the night. I knew I would not be missed and my prime spot on the least mouse infested sofa would be quickly snapped up by one of the rat pack.

1.10am
Got to go and get a little sleep . Another day another daymare. 8 days a week.

May 6th is the day we are living for if we live that long. The day BB returns to work.

We need a break to climb a mountain or jump in a lake.

Over and out

Robbie brokenback Retard

Monday wars

Well today started unlike any other. I got up 8am to check guests into Amsterdam Suite arriving 8.00 at airport. But with no keys to check them in with I headed to the office and on the way decided to buy the daily crossies for the daily scrambled eggs.

Having no money on in, in me or around me I headed to the ATM. Usual Amsterdam style ATM closed so I went to the other one across the square, same shit.

Welcome to Monday in Amsterdam. The city that doesn't wake up until 1pm. Nothing happens including the banks not opening. Both machines ran out of cash over the weekend and nobody refills until 1pm.

So with no cash in, on or around me and no old folk above to mug I headed to the office to crack open the safe and see what goddies I could borrow.

I grabbed Euro 10 and headed out for the crossies but as I approached the bakery I noticed it was dark in side, the closer I got the darker it looked but I could see people inside.

As I entered I noticed there was no light what so ever and customers where being served in the dark. Each assistant was using a torch . I was 5th, 6th or 7th in the Q but cannot say for sure.

The assistants where shining the lights right into the customers eyes like they were trying to get secret information out of them. They then used the torches to point out the items the customer had shouted out under interrogation . Alarm bells rang in my head - power cut= No crossies.

I heard someone shout croissants out so I knew there were some.

When I got to the counter the assistant was waiting for me . Light straight into my eye, YES she bellowed at be. Six croissants please I screamed back, forgetting she could see me and I not her.

The beam of light left my face and headed towards the shelf which held the croissants every morning without fail but as the beam settled on the shelf it revealed my worst horrors and morning mares. There on the shelf was an empty tray . The assistant yelled at me " No crossaints left. Next, she tossed me aside like a piece of used toilet paper only worse and moved on to the next victim.

But just as she started moving the flash light away from my beloved shef I spotted (miracle time) 4 crossaints all waving at me to be rescued from the darkness. "Croissants" THERE , I SCREAMED . The assistant moved the light to shine on me again. As it hit me right between t