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AmsterdamEscape Blog

Monday, March 27, 2006

Monday wars

Well today started unlike any other. I got up 8am to check guests into Amsterdam Suite arriving 8.00 at airport. But with no keys to check them in with I headed to the office and on the way decided to buy the daily crossies for the daily scrambled eggs.

Having no money on in, in me or around me I headed to the ATM. Usual Amsterdam style ATM closed so I went to the other one across the square, same shit.

Welcome to Monday in Amsterdam. The city that doesn't wake up until 1pm. Nothing happens including the banks not opening. Both machines ran out of cash over the weekend and nobody refills until 1pm.

So with no cash in, on or around me and no old folk above to mug I headed to the office to crack open the safe and see what goddies I could borrow.

I grabbed Euro 10 and headed out for the crossies but as I approached the bakery I noticed it was dark in side, the closer I got the darker it looked but I could see people inside.

As I entered I noticed there was no light what so ever and customers where being served in the dark. Each assistant was using a torch . I was 5th, 6th or 7th in the Q but cannot say for sure.

The assistants where shining the lights right into the customers eyes like they were trying to get secret information out of them. They then used the torches to point out the items the customer had shouted out under interrogation . Alarm bells rang in my head - power cut= No crossies.

I heard someone shout croissants out so I knew there were some.

When I got to the counter the assistant was waiting for me . Light straight into my eye, YES she bellowed at be. Six croissants please I screamed back, forgetting she could see me and I not her.

The beam of light left my face and headed towards the shelf which held the croissants every morning without fail but as the beam settled on the shelf it revealed my worst horrors and morning mares. There on the shelf was an empty tray . The assistant yelled at me " No crossaints left. Next, she tossed me aside like a piece of used toilet paper only worse and moved on to the next victim.

But just as she started moving the flash light away from my beloved shef I spotted (miracle time) 4 crossaints all waving at me to be rescued from the darkness. "Croissants" THERE , I SCREAMED . The assistant moved the light to shine on me again. As it hit me right between the eyes, I said a little more quietly . Sorry I see 4 little fellows at the edge of the tray, can I have them please. She moved the beam back over to the shelf and scanned it for a few seconds which seemed a lot longer to me. There they where 4 little fellows all lined up and ready for bagging.

Now the tricky bit. No power means no cash register. Euro 85 x 4 , euro 85 x 4 . I could hear the cogs in the assistants brain trying to make up Euro 85 x 4 but without a lot of success.

I handed a Euro 10 to her which she held up to the torch light to check it for forgery as their note checking machine was powerless to help.

She scribbled down on a piece of paper 85 x 4 and tried to calculate the sum in her head and after several seconds she moved to the open register which was now being used as a money box. I got back Euro 6.20 but only managed to count it after making it back out onto the street. Not too bad I thought to myself, under the circumstances I might not have gotten back anything and It would be a brave man to go back in there and complain about wrong change on the day there having.

I headed to office and dropped off the crossaints. Collected the keys for Suite and just then the guests rang. I headed over to check them in. 2 Guys from New York. Loved the place and were delighted to hear they had the whole of HQ to themselves.

Headed back to the breakfast club and started to make the eggs but suddenly and without warning all hell crashed down. (No the ceiling did not fall in) Giuseppe and Mothership started fighting over a clean and dirty tea towel, Emmett butted in and demanded to add his 2 cents worth and then Giuseppe flipped and flipped again and started throwing things, first a glass at Emmett which hit him in the chest and fell to the ground as things do when dropped or thrown and smashed into a million pieces, then 2 cartons of organic lemon juice one hitting Emmett in the head and bursting all over him and the other missing him by inches and hitting the kitchen wall which exploded on impact sending lemon juice everywhere.

Emmett then attacked Giuseppe and the 2 of them rolled around the saw dust covered floor. Emmett being a lover not a fighter came of worse. Giuseppe jumped to his feet and grabbed a chair (Motherships to be precise) and threw it at Emmett also missing him by inches.

At this stage Mothership landed right into the middle of the two of them and banged their heads together. "Look, Look at my laundry, Look you assholes pointing to 3 bags of fresh laundry all now covered in glass and lemon juice. "It wasn't me" Giuseppe and Emmett said squeaking and at the same time as rubbing their heads.

Motherships laundry is not to be messed with. She takes 100% pride in her sheets and pillow cases. "Go kill each other else where, not near my laundry. Three loads ruined and I need them for today". ASSHOLES, she shouted as she left the room.

Giuseppe still with the look of a axe murderer in his eyes, looked around for Emmett but Emmett being a man who knows when he is beaten darted for the door even before mother ship had left. Fearing for his life I guess. One never can tell what our little 26 year old Italian terror will do next.

Last week he forged Motherships signature on a leasing agreement for a large screen TV for himself. Mothership has not gotten the forms yet, but she will. Then we will see real sparks fly.

Hold on to your hats.
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Not a lot of other stuff happed today.

We had to bad check ins - COKE & HOLYWOOD - 2 agent bookings. A group of friends . Hotel types and not our kind of guest. Stuffy shirt types would be a why of decribing them or just plain assholes would be another. Cannot stand those types. One of the reasons M.S & Myself escaped the corporate crap back in 99.

We packed in the day jobs, sold our houses and ran to Amsterdam.

Amsterdam Escape is the result.

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1am

Just as I was packing it in for the night , the office door opened and Giuseppe arrives in.

I am going to become a Buddhist he informed me.

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More Later after sleep.
12.17am

Friday, March 24, 2006

TGIF

Well my dears. It's friday, not that Friday is any different to Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday or Saturday but today is a good day for us. Not busy in the check in or out departments and Fridays are always quite on the e-mail front as well.

Otherwise it was just another day except we had a bit or trouble in Greenland (double booking). NOT for us but for another owners apartment but our booking. We managed to sort it but not up to our usual 110% service. Escape went on red alert -- Emmett booked them a hotel room online and got them a taxi to the hotel but on arrival the hotel informed them they were also fully booked. Nightmare shit. So much for real time online availability @ rates to go www.ratestogo.com .
The Korenaer Hotel Amsterdam be warned. They informed her that they had an apartment available for her. She was walked to the apartment by a hotel runner and shown into a flea pit of a place. She phoned us back almost in tears pleading for help.

Mothership took charge. She offered them complimentary accommodation staying with us. (Amsterdam Tiny) to make up for the mess up. She told the guest to get another taxi over to us and we would pay for it and also give them Tiny for the 3 nights for free.

The guest must have thought something was wrong as no one gives something for nothing so they never showed up.

We spend over 1 hour cleaning it for them and setting it up all in vain.

Anyway Margaret , apologies for the mess up.

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Giuseppe was out with Derek the devil last night so he was a "No Show" for the daily eggs. Just mothership, Emmett and myself and jolly nice eggs they were too.

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Today looks like the 1st day of spring, sun is in the sky and everyone is happy. The terrace cafes on Nieuwmarkt facing into the sun are all full , this remains the case until the sun moves over to face the other side of the square and then all the people move.

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No word of Brendan in a few days. I guess he has hit the trail and will not be seen or heard from for a month. He has gone walkabout . Trying to see a bit of his country.

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So far Brendan has left us with three double bookings. 2 his fault and one no one's fault but the agent.

Double bookings are the worst thing that can happen in the hotel business. Pisses everyone off.

In 5 years of Brendan doing the reservations I think we have had only 1 double booking and Brendan moved out of his apartment to let the guest stay.

We cannot offer them this option as we live in such horrible conditions no one would stay in them.

My basement dungeon pad is so bad even the rats are packing their bags.
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Giuseppe is on a painting buzz. The toilet is now lime green. Everything that was in the toilet is now in the bin/ (garbage). I saw Emmett rooting in the bags and rescuing several items, a car shaped toilet roll holder, large clock, several toilet rolls (unused) soap dispencer, several toilet seat covers (collection of) and 2 other bags of stuff. There are 2 full black sacks of stuff I guess he is letting be dumped.

He has just informed Emmett that he is spending the night in the office and painting it all lime green. Emmett looked shocked and started complaining about dumping everything that gets in his way and even items that do not. " You cannot dump all this stuff" Emmett said pointing to Mothrships accounts which were now in the line of fire. "I not dump" Giuseppe replied. "Just move them" READERS, THIS DOES NOT MEAN THEY ARE SAFE. "Giuseppe " Emmett started to complain some more but just gave up. You never win against Giuseppe. He just let's on he does not hear or understand anything he does not want to hear.
He usually get's his way by screaming louder than the rest of us.
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Well folks thats it for tonight

Sorry no laughs but my back is broke sitting in this f...... chair for the last 16 hours. Off for a cup of hot choc.

Back later but if not see you all tomorrow

Robbie Retard
Sorest back in 52 states

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Tuesday -, I have a few free hours to blog

Well well well. I have finally grabbed a few minutes , well actually stole them off Giuseppe but he'll not notice. Fear not I'll use them wisely to
update you all with the latest happenings here at Escape.

Since I last blogged way back on March 5th we had just started into the 65 day run of being Brendanless. We are now on day 19 . A long long way to go and with so much happening I do not know where to begin.

Well at the beginning I suppose or will I start from today.

Decision made. I'll start from today while I still have total recall.

Got up 8am feeling nice and fresh but took one look in the mirror and went straight back to bed.

MotherShip rang dead on 9am. "Rise and Shine, Rise and Shine" she repeated before hanging up.

Less than twenty minutes later I was at my egg cooking post having already dropped into the bakery for the crossies. (Crossaints for readers who have been confused with me calling them Crossies for the last three months, folks like Lynn G and I am sure others who have not come forward yet. I'll get to you all If it takes me another 73 years. (Truth be told, I did not know how to spell Crossaints and still don't.)

Breakfast went without any major wars breaking out. Coffee (Organic) but not shade grown as yet (still searching) was made as usual by mothership with lashings of whipped cream straight out of a can.

CUT BACKS - 700ml for the price of 750ml.
We have been buying the same cream for several years now but recently we noticed that the can now contains only 700ml instead of the usual 750ml. The price remained the same as did the can size.

Everywhere you look we the retards of this world are being screwed more and more.

Another example is the soup shop around the corner from us.
In December last you got 1 bread roll with a small soup, 2 with a medium and 3 with a large. As from Janurary you now only get 1 roll with any size soup plus the rolls have shrunk to half their old size. Extra rolls now cost 20 cents extra per roll.
Help!
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Remaining Escape committee members are working 16-18 hour days. Doing everything from check in's to check out's, looking at leaks, map drawing for guests, luggage carrying, replacing light blubs, replying to over 100-150 e-mails daily (Think Brendan must delete half of the mails every day) answering 50- 150 phone calls and every other nasty little job which come with running any business only worse.

I think guests are the main problem with any hotel. Without them things would be so much easier.

Even myself dear readers your favourite blogging retard has been rail roaded into helping during this Brendanless time. This being the main reason why you have not heard from me in so long.

But I am now putting my foot down , I might even put both down and make a real stand of it.

When asked would I mind lending a hand I said "I am Robbie from Cloud 9, Me clean toilets". but before I could finish the sentance with a NOT I was handed a bag of cleaning items. 1 bottle of Mr Mussel, I wet rag/cloth and 1 dry one, a bottle of red stuff with a nice smell off it, but tasted like shit and several other unidebifyable products.

Go help clean Robbie- Mothership ordered. I looked around in horror as she handed me a list of escape apartments which needed cleaning and an a copy of the famous A-Z of Motherships cleaning tips and a list what needed doing in each apartment.

But I'm a blogger not a cleaner, I bravely managed to get out of my month. But with one look from Mothership I grabbed the bag and ran.

Mothership is not one to tangle with. With one lash of her tonge she's killed many a retard bigger than me.
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We had Brendan's Brother inquiring about our well being today.
Below is his message and reply.

niAlL ( ANsWerS tO yOuR SIlLy QuEsTiOnS aRe BeLoW IN BlOoD ).

but 1st - tHis LoAd Of CrAp

mOst hAvE lEfT bUiLdInG , sOMe tIeD sHeEtS tOgEtHeR ANd uSeD tHeM To eScApE.

eMmEtT sTiLL mAnnInG tHe pLaCe bUt iS iNsUlTiNg aLl tHe gUeStS.

WhY oNlY tHIs mORnIng i HeArD hIm sAy

"WhAt cAN I dO fOr yOu, yOU fAt cOw."

"gO ORdER yOUr oWN"

WhERe jUsT TWO i hEaRd HiM SaY

kEnNy bOy (Hardy of Laurel & Hardy) Is cHEcKiNg iN aLL gUeSts aNd giviNg gUiDeD toUrs Of All THe pUbS He Is bArReD fRoM. (hE wAiTs oUtsIdE)

RObBie wRiTe bLoG uPdAtE tOnIgHT . sO LItTlE tO sAY AnD So mUcH tImE tOsAy iT.

bReNdAn iS MIsSeD LiKE hOlE iN hEad .

mAy 5th HaS offICIALLY BEEN dEcLaReD nAtIoNal BB.day ( BB RETURNS)

mOrE nEwS wHeN wE gEt iT

oVer aND oUT

DeCAn o'LoOnEy - reporting cOLd from somewhere near you.
Start Escaping with us at AmsterdamEscape.com

----- Original Message -----
From: Niall Bowie
To: Amsterdam Escape
Sent: Tuesday, March 21, 2006 12:51 PM
Hi there Amsterdammers - bARLEY ALIVE

How is life without BB? NoT GoOd , WoNdErfUL

I notice that your blog has come to an ubrupt ending on 8th March. FURTHER TROUBLE IN GREENLAND

As it is now the 21st I was wondering if you had a meeting and decided that hari-kari was in fact the easiest option....
WE BUILD A HARI KARI LAST NIGHT OF BRENDAN and kept warm for a fEw MinS (NoT MuCh To BuRN)

I will assume that if i don't get a reply, then you have all departed for greener pastures. yOu BeT YoUr BoTtOm DoLlAr, I dIved HeAd first InTo A BiG BAg Of *BaSJoE's FiNEsT and SmOkEd It all. (*Basjoe coffee shop)

If not..... let me know how you all are. we ShUt ThE PhoNes, KiLLeD The InTeRNet, TuRnEd Off The WaTeR, TuRnEd On ThE GaS BuT sTill TypInG LaST OpTiOn and HaVE BoUgHt 3 x 6 feet long / 2 metres of RoPe pER ReMaInIng EsCaPe MeMber.


will be over for a visit with my own little ball of fluff in May. Hope to see you then, or to at least lay some flowers on your resting spots. YoU WilL FiNd Us in The 3rd Caravan To The LeFt, _ FlooR ROOm OnLY


Ciow. Moo Moo ,

Niall /Robbie



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18.03

Sitting in office with Laurel & Hardy, Giuseppe & Emmett.
Death is the subject.

"I have a real pain in my leg " Giuseppe informs us.
"Hope it's not a blood clot" he says. He has being reading all about blood clots today.

He went today for the results of his heart tests, ALL Clear on the western front. I think he was disappointed to hear the news once again.
But since, has been in a great mood.
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NEW READERS
A little greeting to Sara and Al. Two readers I picked up along the way and soon to be guests at Escape.
Sent this to them today in reply to their mail.
SaRa LeAvE RoBbIe In ClOsEt.
SaRa BoLd GiRl.

RoBbIe PaRtY WeLl , TaKe mAnY PiLlS . RoBbIe pArTy AnImAl . Me TeAcH hOwTo PaRtY .

RoBbIe BlOg ToDay- RobbIe POmiSe. RoBbIe SaY, SaRa GoOD GiRl in BlOg.

NoW I BlOg OfF. Me WOrK NoW.

OvEr AnD Out

RoBbIE
The Robbiest Retard in five counties
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Al -- Help! , I'm in the closet. Get me out of here---

----- Original Message -----

Sent: Tuesday, March 21, 2006 5:37 AM
Subject: Re: Tell I do , for Sara is nice girl.
ok it's the 20th NO BLOG, ROBBIE THE RETREAD, IF YOU WANT AL AND I tO ShOw U how to PaRtY, you NeEd to bLoG, dam it, otherWISE, we leave you In the CloSeT wHiLe we PaRty!Love you for Sara is a nice girl.Sara and AL

SARA GOOD GIRL , ROBBIE SAYS.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Other New Readers are our recent guests in Amsterdam Hollywood ROY & Tami . Emmett checked them in and during check in Roy asks Emmett how am I. "Robbie hasen't blogged since March 8th" "He's very funny"

Well Thank you Roy old chum. Makes my effords all the more worth while.

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Shredding Bills (unpaid)
Giuseppe has taken up a new way of dealing with unpaid bills.
Mothership put several bills from agents and doctors on Giuseppe's desk earlier in the day.

Just now 6.08pm she enquired from him information on said bills . He mumbbled something about having dealth with them. But mothership being Mothership was not going to give up that easy. "Where are the bills" she enquired of Giuseppe. Giuseppe started looking throught drawers, baskets, folders " I only gave them to you today" She explaimed" Surley you haven't buried them already". "Anyway here are two more to look at."
She handed them to him and in front of mothership's very eyes he shreadded them, "There in America , let them chase me". he said.

Mothership grabbed the three remaining bills from his desk which where for sure next to be for the shredder."I'll paid them" she screamed. (not remembering she is DR in her bank account). Mothership never has a cent as she paids Emmett's & all my bills. Truth is I never managed to pay a bill in my entire life. I don't have a bank account, finger prints or passport. I'm from cloud 9. We are way above passports. Why where I go I don't even need roads.
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ACTUALLY TODAY WAS NOT SO BUSY .
One CHECK IN and one check out .
Check in was for Amsterdam Grass (repeat guest).
The check out did a D.I.Y job and managed to get escape without us seeing them. Those agent bookings are always a bit weird (Bookings taken by agents on our behalf). We had a real crazy one on Friday night just gone. I am saving the story for the correct days entry.

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2.05am
Robbie's bed time readers.

Up in 5.55 minutes. Going to break all the mirrors in my cave first thing when I get home

Over and Out

Your Retard and Mine
Robbie






Thursday, March 09, 2006

Help it's Day 5 of 65. 1 mistake could spell doom

Well hello all.

Just a quickie to keep you all up to date with todays happenings

well that's it for today.

Robbie

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Wednesday.

Burrr it's cold outside, even colder than yesterday and yesterday was freezing . Got up at 9am to the ringing of my Mothership alarm call.

Got dressed (same clothes now for 5 days and beginning to smell)
Don't ask please, I'll cry it I have to relive it. It involves Giuseppe / Black sacks / Moving / 2 x buildings sites and me. I am close to loosing my religion.
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In buying the crossies just now and I notice people are keeping their distance from me. Christ I must really smell bad. Smoking those 20 odd joints a day don't help.

"You don't half pong mate" some old man said making me turn around real quick because I thought he was talking about me, but he was either talking to himself or into a mobile or maybe I am having day mares.

I must remember to dig out some clothes
I must remember to dig out come clothes

If I say this to myself a few 100 times I might remember. There are several Ikea bags packed with my clothes in the office.

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Now to fill some space up.

What is green and purple and wants revenge?
The Grapes of Wrath

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Four men got together at a reunion. All of them had sons and they started discussing them.
The first man said his son was doing so well, he now owned factory, manufacturing furniture. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a whole house full of brand new furniture.
The second man said his son was doing just as well. He was a manager at a car sales firm. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a Ferrari. The third man said his was doing well too.
He was a manager at a bank. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend the money to buy a house. The fourth man just shook his head. He said his son was gay and hadn't amounted to much. But he must be doing something right because, just the other day he was given a house, furniture and a Ferrari by his friends!.
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A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judge ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.
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A hunchback is running along a street being chased by a pack of children.He stops, turns around and shouts, "Will you all get lost! I haven't got your bloody ball!"
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What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?When the power goes off.
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Yes me again. Nothings like a load of jokes to fill a days blog.

well my dearest readers. Sitting here in the basement office. 11.04pm. Giuseppe sitting beside me all quite. He has easy listening music on , Niall Diamond, Billy Joel sort of stuff.
I have a pain in my head from it , either that or a brain tumor is coming on.
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Not a lot to say today so instead of boring you my dearest readers I go play with myself somewhere. Wish me luck.

Over and out

Robbie

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Tuesday's retard works hard for a living

Good Evening readers.
Your reading the writings of one very tired retard. It's 1.59am . Was out of bed at 6am this morning and am back up again at 7am.

Since BB left we have had early arrivals every day, and I mean every day, not every second day but each and every day, Monday to Sunday. No rest for the wicked and this little retard.

How does BB do it. I am more convinced than ever that he has several clones up in that apartment of his and this is how he drinks every night and no matter what state he is in going to bed he is up every morning and at his post well before the other Escape members have even thought about getting out of bed. No wonder we never get an invite to dinner or even lunch.
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Monday, March 06, 2006

Monday and it's snowing quite bad.

Monday the start of another rock and roll week. What has this 7 days got in store for us. Judging by the last 7 days quite a lot but they say you should never judge the future by the past, but I always do and I ain't been wrong yet.

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Mothership just checked in another repeat guest Ann Mari Hjorth from Norway. On her own this trip as her partner could not make it.
She just escaped a few feet of snow in Norway and was depressed to find snow on your arrival in Amsterdam. She is here to relax for 5 nights.

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Lynn and Joe in Hollywood are still with us. They have decided to stay a few more days as they missed the first 3 days due to having no luggage, food poisoning and having no coats to go out in.

We have decided to let them stay in Brendan's apartment as we are fully booked in all our rented places. Hope Brendan does not find out (N.Bowie - if your reading this, mum's the word.no telling tales).

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Sunday, March 05, 2006

More snow and more snow, apartment leaks and a warm welcome to my new readers

Welcome welcome every one but a special welcome to my new readers The wonderful Lynn & Jo Ginsburg who are currently staying in Hollywood and dropped into the office today to give me a swelled head. They are readers of my effords and gave me a very high vote, Lynn being a writer herself and Joe being a blogger editor or something to do with blogs gave my blog the thumps up. Thank you, thank you, my sister thanks you, my mother thanks you, my father thanks you and I thank you and I know if I dug up my grand parents whey would thank you also. Where is my shovel.

Readers- The 1st three days they spent without luggage and then poor Joe got a spot of food poisioning (Killer Clams) and since they arrived the snow has not stopped and to make matters even worse they have no coats as there in their luggage. All in all a wonderful start to a vacation -not
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Today in wonderland.
Day 3 of 65 without BB.

Up at 7am to check out Ray from AmsterdamHigh. Snow is pouring down, He really enjoyed his stay and said he would be back soon. His 17th trip to wonderland. Another happy guest.
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We have sprung a leak, not sure where from but there is a drip of water rolling down the wall in Amsterdam Sweet. Think it's the snow melting which is causing it. But I ain't no roofer.
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Gotta go and do some work -- More later.
4.15pm
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12.13am
Long break. I went to the movies but fell asleep watching it. So I cannot say if it was any good.

Even more tired now so it's bed time for Robbie.

Bye bye black birds

See you all tomorrow

Robbie Retard
Voted Retard of the year 2005.



Saturday, March 04, 2006

The Sun is Shining but it's snowing.

Well dearest readers.

The worlds weather has finally flipped. Today in Amsterdam the sun is in the sky but it's snowing. What! . I said it's SNOWING while the sun is shining. Open your ears jackass.

HELP! we are really f..... For sure.

THE WORLD IS FINISHED

I am over 188 years old and in all my years I have never seen this happen.
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Life without BB
Day 2 of 65.

We had contact with Brendan. Just a little message saying . Hot, Dam Hot.

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We are busy introducing the new reservation system while Brendan is away. We have been working on it for a while now but with BB hating change we could not make it live until his back was turned. In fact he knows nothing about it. Sorry BB.
What will happen on his return one can only guess at. He don't like changes.
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New Doctor. / Giuseppe's Tests.
Giuseppe has gone to Dr Cambridge and is hoping for at least 30 tests to be carried out on him. beating Jims by 10.

"More on this when we get it. -- His appointment is for 4.30 so we should have news by 5pm unless Dr Cambridge commits him to a mental hosital.

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Freezing outside.
Have lost touch with my feet, haven't heard from them in several hours. Hope they arrive back soon as I want to go home or to the gym

I am still trying to rid myself of the major overload I am carrying around on a daily basis..

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If NOT click here and enjoy more ramblelings from
Enjoy October 2005

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Friday, March 03, 2006

Day 1 of 65 without Brendan + other useless information you don't want to read.

Well Well Well. Here we go on the longest roller coaster ride this retard has ever been on. 65 days of ups and downs, in and outs, the odd curve and a few bends. Where it will stop nobody can tell.

After 65 days of this extra work load the remaining 3 escape committee members, mothership, Emmett & Giuseppe will be either given a medal each - 1st, 2nd, 3rd or they will be found all hanging from the nearest lamp post, tree or maybe even a suicide pact where they all count up to three or down from five and jump at the same time or push each other might be another way.
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Giuseppe went to this new doctor we found advertising in the Ex-pat paper, Dr Cambridge. Giuseppe has run out of doctor's to try at this stage and was so delighted to find this new one.

Emmett's father Jimbo (Jim aged 75) found him first. Jim like Giuseppe is always on the hunt for new doctors and once they find one they rush to be 1st to get an appointment. Both being suitable cases for treatment in their minds.

Well Jim got to Dr Cambridge first and came away with a form for the hospital listing tests for everything you can imagine and others you couldn't possibly.
He was so delighted. He also got prescriptions for sleeping tablets and other pills.

"He is great", "Best doctor I have found yet in Amsterdam" "Look at all the pills I got" " "I am going tomorrow for my tests" were just some of the sentences which poured out of Jim on this arrival back from the now famous Dr Cambridge. "I have an appointment tomorrow" Giuseppe pipes up. Looking at Jim with one eye and the other on his huge selection of pills.

Giuseppe this week has developed dizzy spells, racing heart and several other nasty diseases like HIV and bone marrow disorder. "I'll need a lot more tests than that" Giuseppe said, looking at Jims form for the hospital with a dozen or so ticked boxes out of about 60 different tests on the form.

FULL REPORT ON THE TEST RESULTS AS SOON AS WE GET THEM.

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ESCAPE - WITHOUT BRENDAN RAYMOND BOWIE / BB / BRB / THE MAN WHO CAN /
Well this is day 1 (of 65) without BB Bowie(The man who can).




Well where do I start. This is Friday 3rd March. Busy day today with 4 check ins several check outs.

Giuseppe was suffering from being out on Wednesday night with Derek the devil and was in a foul mood. He was driving mothership and Emmett crazy with his lectures about loosing keys to the apartments, charging guests Euro 100 for lost keys (Little Hitler), Checking the apartments for missing items (We have had a few items go missing from the apartments over the past few months. Bold guests.

We caught one guest (NOT NAMED HERE) lowering down our juke box (worth Euro 6000)from Amsterdam Suite on to a hired truck. Lucky for us the truck was too small to hold it or we would have lost it. The guest said when caught " Sorry, really sorry,I just fell in love with your apartment and wanted a souvenir from it". It's a fair cop gov.

The smoking ban in the office was quickly reintroduced as was the heater game Giuseppe & Emmett play all day every day during winter. Giuseppe turns them off and Emmett turn them on, Giuseppe turns them off and Emmett turn them on and they do this every day when Giuseppe is depressed. Depression seems to make him very hot.

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9.30pm / 21.30 to the rest of us.

All check-ins complete. 4 happy guests. Well 3.5 anyway
Amsterdam Grass / Amsterdam Den / AmsterdamHideaway and Amsterdam Loft /
Well actually Amsterdam Hideaway were not that happy as we had a bit of a fuck up.
Brendan gave them his mobile number instead of ours. He must have forgotten he was going away) so the guests were waiting out in the freezing cold for quite a while.

Mothership found them standing outside the office unable to speak because of the cold. She poured them a stiff drink (water, stiff in Motherships eyes as she is a teetotaler).

She then marched them out of the office in military style and checked them into Amsterdam Hideaway. Still not 100% chilled out. She locked them into their apartment and shouted at them through the door to go and sleep it off.
But she also left them a bottle of red wine to say sorry for leaving them out in the cold.

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9.52
Frankie Boy, Motherships Peruvian boyfriend arrived back just now. He is staying until the 11th. We intend to make it a working holiday for him. As he is an early riser so we hope to talk him into doing all them 6am check-ins.

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Giuseppe has just arrived back into the office. 1st words out of his mouth were directed at Emmett. "Am I looking very white in the face" . Emmett turned from his computer screen to look at Giuseppe's face but already knowing the answer in advance. He studied Giuseppes face for several seconds and concluded that there was nothing strange about his face what so ever. Giuseppe looked disappointed.

Looking for a second opinion he appealed to mothership. Do I look very pale he asked her. Mothership , without even looking up confirmed Emmett's verdict that he looked just like a 26 year old should look like, only better. Giuseppe looked even more depressed and went back to consulting the internet on other possible diseases he might have caught since breakfast. Amazingly bird flu was not on today's list.

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10.14pm

Mothership & Frankie boy have departed for higher ground so it's just Emmett & Giuseppe and yours truly left in office. All very quite. Not even a whisper to be heard.

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Well readers it's an early night for Robbie tonight as them darn guests will be bugging me 1st thing in the morning. This would be a great business if it wasn't for guests.

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Robbie Retard
The robbiest retard in wonderland

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Brendan says goodbye or asta la vista suckers.

Well the day has finally come, the day BB departs our shores.

We'll be going over live to his departure but first a word from our sponsor.

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Welcome back. The clock is ticking down towards the BB kick off time.
BB has just received a call from his travel agent to inform him that they recommend he & ball of fluff get an earlier flight NOW because of the snow is on the way. Planes are all going to delayed so they may miss their connecting flight. BB phones ball of fluff who is out shopping for junk to give to the poor people out in the jungle. Lucky them, nothing to eat and no running water (Little village she lived in during her teen travels) but they will have lovely souvenirs of Amsterdam.

"Baby" we must go NOW. Ball of fluff is enjoying her shopping trip so much she tells BB to f... off and to keep the flights the way they are. BB is having none of it. Baby we will be stuck in an airport for 24 hours waiting for connecting flight. Ball of fluff was back in seconds (Broom stick job?) and was down in office with the biggest back pack this little retard has ever seen. Looked like Atlas holding up the world. She is a BIG girl is our ball of fluff.

All packed and ready for the off, Hugs all round, kisses, tears, hand shakes, more kisses, a little crying and they were off, just like a dirty shirt. Little and large go walkabout.

Readers- We will be reporting almost daily on their two month walkabout, so stay tuned.

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Well Emmett, Mothership and Giuseppe are now in charge.

What will happen over the next 2 months is anyone's guess but it should make for some really funny blogging. Looking forward to the next 65 days.

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A joke anyone?

A little kid comes running into the backyard. He says, "Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!" "Son, you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile."

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Another one?
The Pilots.
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and co pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the co pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"

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Well it's my going home time. I get unchained for 8 hours a day for a little R&R.

So see you all later sizzle chests, over and out

Robbie
The cutest little retard I ever did see.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

It's snowing here in Amsterdam or am I dreaming

Afternoon all.

Woke up 6.30am again. Becoming a regular habit of mine along with smoking 27 joints a day among other things.

The snow arrived while I was asleep, Took us all by surprise.
On opening the front door of my dungeon basement studio apartment I was faced with several feet of snow. I had no measuring tape on me so I can only guess at the height. I crawled out through a little hole some big rat had made in the snow (properly moving out of my basement from over crowding)

Made my way to the office and I have just time for a quickie as I am now a very busy retard. Rushing here, dashing there and all while learning two oriental languages, Not bad I say so myself. Well who else will listen.

Come tomorrow morning I am in charge.

BB Bowie is off tonight to float in a flotation tank for 45 minutes to relax his body before his long flight tomorrow.
Hope he does not drown.

His ball of fluff has just arrived into office all excited about their big trip.

flotation REPORT ---ON HIS RETURN.

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renovation and excavations in Amsterdam Sweet (F.k.a. Amsterdam Tiny.)Safe found ---- While our odd job man (part of the Laurel & Hardy team) we hire for doing our odd jobs. Chris & Kenny boy. Kenny boy arrives back this week after 2 months down in the south of France looking after his 87 year old mother.
Anyway during our recent renovations of Amsterdam Sweet (f.k.a. Amsterdam Tiny) but now much bigger so we had to change the name after several complaints from guests about the size being not tiny enough to be called Tiny. So it's now Amsterdam Sweet but not to be confused with our Amsterdam Suite ----Anyway to get back to the SAFE story. We found a large safe -LOCKED - built into a unit which was built into the wall. Everyone got excited. Some (NO names) were spending the money even before we cracked the safe, one or two were straight on to their travel agents to book exoctic holidays.

Anyway to make a short story even shorter, Chris cut the safe in half with a grinder (His safe cracking skills are not up to much) once inside he produced the contents, 1 wallet (Plastic) with 35 cents (Gilder cents) Netherlands old currency and nothing else. That is the end of the safe story except all holidays were cancelled and everyone is now back at their posts.

Pigeon with eggs found lodging for free -
Also during renovations we found a pigeon sitting on 2 eggs living in a vent shaft. We were always wondering where the Pigeon sound was coming from in the apartment. No guests ever commented on it. Anyway me being unable even to kill a fly since reading Jane Godalls "Harvest for Hope" (Buy a copy and change your life) No I am not on commission.
I instructed Laurel (Chris) to enclose the vent for good with wood. It can now be used forever as a nesting box and it's larger now as well. We just pushed it much more out of the apartment and out into the back garden. Pigeon now very happy.
She was scared at first as she thought , Oh'fuck there goes me eggs" but Laurel did a good job (with a little help from my brain) "I didn't know the window opened" he said to me after 3 days working in the apartment (Amsterdam Tiny). Without my brain the eggs were doomed for sure.

Scrambled or fried?
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Now a shark video to watch .

No expense is spared to bring you the best of shit. Worth a look, but 1st comes an interview with Bono of U-WHO. You can fast forward to Shark video and skip the Jesus Christ interview.

UPDATE-- MARCH 5TH -- I HAVE BEEN INFORMED THE SHARK VIDEO HAS BEEN REMOVED. TOO SCARY , SORRY DEAR READERS. BUT THE INTERVIEW WITH JESUS CHRIST (BONO) IS STILL THERE IF YOUR INTERESTED

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Well it is 8.48PM GYM TIME. BACK 10.30pm - To Come .Our special report on low life's, flotation tank report and lots lots more.

Tune in later

over and Out

Hi it's later ---1.07 am
Still at me post. Brendan arrived back drunk as a skunk and was unable to report on any flotation tanks. So this report will just have to keep until May 5th as he has now left not only the building but the country. Unless I head him off at the pass.

Good thinking readers, You put the thought right into my blog.
I'll just get a very long ladder and climb up to his apartment. But Suddenly remembering I am scared of heights.
"Giuseppe", "Dearest Giuseppe" "Giuseppe dearest". Dam and blast, when you need the little b......, when you actually need the little shit, he does a AWL.
He sits about for months and months and when I need him, when I can actually make use of him, he goes to ground.

Last seen heading in the direction of a night club (CLUB NL) on Dam Square with the little devil Derek. Derek is a story for another night.

well 1.17am I am past my sell by date so I better skip the light fandango and make tracks.

Until tomorrow my fine feathered friends

Your favourite (favorite) Retard
Robbie