Queens Day.

Hello all

Today is Queens Day.

Crazy Day

Free Day

If you have never been to Amsterdam for Queens day weekend it's a must see before you die type of thing.

Over 1 million people mostly dressed in orange take to the streets of Amsterdam and have a party. A free open day where anything can happen and ususally does. A mad day you are allowed do anything (except murder) and you will not be arrested or fined.

1000.s of owners set up stalls outside their houses and sell everything from the junk in their houses, champagne and strawberries, home made wine and lots of games as well like try balance a 20 cent coin on an apple in a bucket of water plus the usual ones like burst baloons with darts, get 3 darts into the same bank note and win the note (Euro 100, 200, 500) except if you watch the games long enough you will see NO ONE wins as either the darts are totally blunt or the notes are stuck on to a metal/steel plate.

The best area is the Jordaan area / Princengracht area. The amount of people and boats is amazing and everyone so happy.

This years weather was very nice, a wet Queens day is a real bummer but a warm sunny Queens day is so special.

Robbie in pain- Joe Bloggs standing in for RR.

Hello fellow retards. It's me Joe bloggs just popped in to report on why Robbie has not been blogging in so long. To cut a long story very short he has pain, you name it he's got it. Pain to the left of him , pain to the right and even pain stuck in the middle of him . It all boils down to a trapped nerve in his back , shoulder and arm and other places to numerous to mention. It's affecting his mind as well as his writing hand and his brain is not too good either. As I type this he is being strapped into a straight jacket by mothership and Giuseppe. They caught him trying to cut of his arm as the pain is so bad. Yes that bad.

So I guess he will NOT be blogging for quite some time.

Not very much news I can report on as I am not a retard but a retread. I am a very different type of guy, unlike Robbie I am not a professional drug addict. I spread the word, I spread the the lords good book "Praise the lord" , I'm the guy who goes about the place placing the copies of the lords book you have the pleasure of reading in every hotel room in the world. You guessed it It's me Freddy Gideon. , mother of Mary & Joseph Gideon. We had been printing them bibles in our back shed for years until some rich dude fell down our stairs and landed on a pile of bibles breaking his fall. He jumped straight to his feet and starting running around our basement screaming "Praise the lord", "Praise the Lord" and next thing we know he builds us a huge office block and buys us the worlds fastest bible printing presses and since then we have never looked back

In the end it was a bible that killed him, a collectors edition of our gold plated Gigeons limited deluxe edition we presented to him fell off the wall and landed him square on the head. BANG! Lights out. He left his entire fortune to us.

We now print 3.3 million bibles a week and with a little help of my friends we spread the word.

Our sole purpose is to win men, women, boys and girls to a saving knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ through association for service, personal testimony, and distributing the Bible in the human traffic lanes and streams of everyday life.

If you know of any human traffic lanes we have not filled yet let us know rightaway. mail us quick as we want to cover all human traffic lanes as quickly as possible - humantrafficlanes@gmail.com

It's a full time job and it's getting harder all the time. More and more hotels, motels and other accommodation places are not allowing us in. Imagine it, the lords good book not allowed a room.
But the lord said to me " Don't give up" and I told him straight "I will follow you, follow you where ever you may go, I am like a royal Canadian mounty I always get my book in.

By hook, by crook or any other way I get the lords book into over 3.3 million rooms a week. I climb drain pipes, dress up as maids, janitors, under takers, guests, hotel managers, health inspectors and other low life's all in the name of the lord dog himself

"Praise the lord"

I can get a 300-400 room hotel booked out in less that 1 hour 50 minutes just by setting off the fire alarm.

I have to keep ahead of the posse so I am constantly having think of new ways to get the books in.

Even moving the 3.3 million books about in my car is taking more and more time but I have managed to dig up a few helpers, Matthew a tall thin bible basher I banged into one day while using a hotel dumb waiter to get a load of bibles into a hotel only to find Matthew already using it to escape from the hotel without paying his bill. I bought him a coffee and a big breakfast and ever since he has helped me spread the word.

Mark one of our other helpers is a little less of a bible basher he is more like a friar tuck type, a cross between a wrestler and ape, drinks, farts and even makes his own ale.

Luke one of the latest recruits came along out of the blue he was looking for a new way of life and happened to bang into us and he has never looked back, infact he hasn't looked anywhere in years since he is blind from birth.

We may look like an odd bunch but we get the bibles out. "Praise the lord"

Hopefully Robbie will be back soon but until then it's best I get back to getting the truth out to the hotel guests, the whole truth and anything but the truth.

For your free copy click here and win.

63-48=Heven, Praise the lord. But the worst has yet to hit the fan.

Hello all , ya it's me . ROBBIE, remember me . I know it's been a longgggg time but you must forgive me as I have at least 1o3 different reaons, one of which your sure to fall for .
I could start listing them here but I fear I may bore you and with me bursting with blog stories I just do not have the space to spare

Eggs make daily without fights friction or even raised voices reported mainly due to complete exhastion of the three remaining surviving escape committee members, Emmett, Giuseppe & Mothership. All working 18-25 hours a day 8 days a week or more.

They have managed 5 weeks, 3 days, 7 hours and several minutes how much more they can take is anyones guess. I'm taking bets on who snaps first but I cannot name names.

If your a gambler please place all bets by mailing me at robbieretard@gmail.com I am giving the following odds - E..... 1/4 on. G....... evens and M......... 5/1.

I think I'm alone now-----Help! I am.

Hello every one., It's your favorite (favourite) retard here. Robbie .

I am been nominated for the slavery of the year award . I am only a little retard and they have me working like a don't know what, a yellow belly or maybe some sort of lower life form. "I'M A PROFESSIONAL RETARD" I screamed today but there was no one around to listen.

I am all alone. Me, Robbie captain of the ship (Titanic) and with several large holes already reported mostly in my brain I am sinking fast.

Giuseppe AWOL

Mothership - In Dublin seeing Morrissey (love of her life)

Brendan on day 43 of this 65 day Aussie tour.

So it's me all alone here in the basement reporting live on today's happenings.

Only Mothership and Emmett reported for the eggs today. Being good Friday (Easter) the bakery was packed with egg buying Dutch people.Frankly (I never did see anything good about good Friday except a day of school or work). If took me best part of 5 minutes to get to the counter and that's with me using every trick in the book " Fire" "Fire everyone out" Me being a ventriloquist since before I was born It comes in mighty handy in bakeries where there are large amounts of people of all shapes and sizes eyeing up your crossies with their beady eyes. A couple of barks , woof woof (bark bark) and a few "Fire Fire" and your to the counter in no time at all.

Eggs were really extra tasty today , reason unknown. X factor.

Another busy day to day with more check in's and outs. Mothership was hovering here flying there and generally popping up everywhere. With her flight less than two hours away she was cracking the whip and kicking ass and writing 100's of memos of things to do in case of every eventually.
She is only going away for less than 48 hours but I guess you never know, why look what happened to Gene Pitney and he was only 24 hours from Tulsa.

With less than 2 hours before your flight Mothership reports her passport is missing. Images of missing Morrissey flash into her head and she turns into a mental case.

Passport turns up just in the nick of time and she's off.

I'm on my own well Giuseppe is still about somewhere.
Just remembered he has gone to pray to Dog as it's doog Friday.

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today's Weather.
Well we had it all here today. Rain, earthquake, thunder and lighting and very sunny in parts. But in shaded areas very windy and cold.

I stayed in the basement dungeon all day and only ventured out when really necessary.

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AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT - the following is NOT funny so please refrain from laughing. Remember I am watching you.
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AMSTERDAM ESCAPE IS UNDER ATTACK -- RED ALERT -- RED ALERT -
Well readers Amsterdam Escape is a victim of it's own success. The City council has decided we are no longer allowed to operate in Amsterdam.
They have informed us if we do not stop we will be finded Euro 10.000 1st offence, Euro 30.000 for 2nd offence and Euro 90.000 3rd offence.

We intend to fight them on the beaches but we know we are doomed before we start. What a joke. Just because we are doing something which the hotels cannot do they have the power to close us down. We are as legal as we could possibly get. We have a company, we pay tax, vat, city tax, personal tax and many other taxes which the government have accepted for 5 years now as well as the city council accepting their 5% from a business which they now say is illegal.

We also have an asshole of a journlist (Hans Moll) on our backs who keeps writing nasty articles about us in one of the top read news papers here in Amsterdam. After the 1st article was written last year we got a raid from the council at 7.30am who came with the police and questioned all the guests we had staying at the time. Poor guests where still in bed and had to answer questions in their underwear.

I regret to say Amsterdam is quickly turning into a semi police state and all in just 5 years.

This prick has gotten a bee in his bonnet about us. We suspect he is on the pay roll of some hotel or the hotel assocation to write articles about us to
make the council react.

He spends hours on our site almost daily (we know your IP address asshole) studying the apartments hoping to find out where we are located so to cause us even more harm than he already has. What a prick.

We spotted him outside our buildings yesterday taking photos of them and he phoned us twice last week trying to get us to react to him so he can quote us. He even sent several enquiries looking for accommodation to see if we would reply. Silly little man is wasting his time, all we are doing is helping Amsterdam by bringing tourists to the city and insuring they leave with a smile on their faces and wishing for the day they can return once again.

AmsterdamEscape has now been voted the number 1 place to stay in all Amsterdam. Out of over 300 hotels. Our guest books overflow with amazing comments praising everything we do and guest after guest write comments on the net giving us 6 or 7 out of 5.

Victim of our own success.

Sorry readers had to get that off my chest.

I am thinking of reguesting all my readers and all our previous guests to start writing to Amsterdam's Mayor, city council or both and getting a petition up.

one any other ideas please let us know. A Timothy McVeigh job is not on the cards YET. But it's under review.

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Well I have now depressed myself so much I can type no more.

I'll have a quick joint and a cup of coffee (No mothership hot choc tonight) so I'll have cup of coffee.

Back soon but If I am not, don't give up on me readers , dog knows we have come this far. Onwards and upwards.

Robbie





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Saturday with a few spare hours before the storm.

Well hello readers. Really sorry it's been so long since my last confession I just don't know what to say, where to say it or even where to begin. All I will say it's been a roll and rock, up and down roller coaster ride since my last entry.

The pressure and work load is getting to the remaining escape committee members. Cracks are beginning to appear in all sorts of areas. Tensions are running very high and at any moment over the smallest thing any one of the remaining escape committee members could implode, explode, self combust or even worse down tools and go on strike or go slow. Some members go very slow already so with a go slow on , nothing gets done.

Do I remember the last one! I'll never forget it. It started on a Thursday or was it a Friday back one year ago today or was it yesterday, anyway it all started at around 3pm.

Funny enough the day started like any other day, eggs were made, no fights recorded and everyone went about there own escape business. Giuseppe was in his usual Jeckal & Hyde humor and Emmett was surrering from bad knee syndrome and lack of sleep from the pain but was really trying to keep a stiff upper lip.

Mothership had even worse problems and was laid up with a trapped nerve in her spine and could not even think never mind talk or walk. She spend 6 weeks lying on a sofa unable to move with the pain in average daily temperatures of around 30 degrees Celsius.

Without mother ships presence, the wheels of the machine start to creak and within a short time they grind to a halt. Things like colour coordination go out the window within days of her absence. Under motherships rule all sheets, towels, bed clothes and everything else must match the colour of the apartment. Dog help anyone caught putting a red sheet on a green bed or mixing pillow cases, such errors are frowned upon by motherhip and one does not want to get on the wrong side of her. Why with one lash of her tongue she can kill a man at 10 paces and pick his pockets at the same time. Once you are summoned to her chambers very few make it out alive and the one's that do never talk about their crime or punishment.

Well poor BB was really feeling the heat with being left to run entire operation on his own.
With Emmett and Giuseppe being about as useful as a used toilet roll he was beginning to pull the last few remaining hairs from his head.

It's takes a lot for Brendan to loose it but then he does everyone hears about it. It usually starts with the silent treatment and the lack of played music in the office and it moves on from there to answering the phone differently from normal and with one word answers to the clients which is one more that the rest of us get I suppose and then finally he will flip and then it's bye bye BB for a day or two.

TO BE CONTINUED.

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Amsterdam today.

Today started sunny but quickly turned to rain and looked like we were in for a nasty day indeed. With 6 check in's and outs we were busy busy busy.
Suddenly and without warning the rain stopped, the clouds parted and the sun popped out to say hello and welcomed us Amsterdammers to the 1st day of summer. What happened spring I hear you ask, well it never came, winter up to yesterday and about 3pm summer arrived.
That's Amsterdam for you. You can get all 4 seasons in one day here. The Netherlands is such a tiny country the weather changes almost hourly.

Well it's 11.26pm here in wonderland and it's hot choc time. Mothership makes a wonderful cup of hot choc. We even have organic marshmallow as we discovered to our horror a fews months ago that our life long favourite Princess marshmallows are made with beef gelatin so we stopped buying them in protest.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Giuseppe has gone out with the little devil himself Derek. Derek it a young 24 year old Dutch boy. Tall, thin, very good looking and completely crazy. Banned from driving for a year only a few weeks ago he has just driven up outside of the office and collected Giuseppe and off they went. Derek & Giuseppe two of a kind , once they get together anything can happen and usually does. Derek has a nose for a party, he can smell a good party, mostly illegal gatherings in squats or fields or on the beach, their kind of places. All last summer they vanished off on a Friday and returned on the Sunday without sleeping. Party on dude.

More later after chocolate 11.37pm fresh.

12.44am
I'm back from my hot choc break and a chat with mothership about tomorrows work. Another busy day. Ist check in 7.30am except their apartment will not be ready until 2pm as we have guests checking out at 12 noon. So a long wait for the arriving guests. Sorry folks!.

Giuseppe just phoned, sounded out of this head on something, says it's vodka. Telling me about the house he is in. Mice everywhere. This is the kind of place you end up in when you go out with the devil himself. Mice infested squats with furnishings which have been collected off the street, usually with no electricity, candles only. But this one has power so you can see the mice more easier. I ended up in one a year or so a go. Mice were running around having a great time, climbing up the lead of the kettle and running about as if they owned the place. I sat in terror watching their every move. The guys living there did not even bat a eye lid when one mouse decided to be very brave and venture out of the kitchen and into where we where sitting and help himself to the remains of a pizza which had been delivered a short time earlier and was not yet finished. I just sat and watched as I always do.

"He's very quiet, your friend" I heard one of the guys saying to Giuseppe in the kitchen. "He's deaf" Giuseppe replied. Word quickly got about that I was deaf and from then on for the rest of the night I was deafened by people screaming into my ears and making all sorts of attempts at sign language to make themselves understood. I just nodded and laughed and let on I understood every word. I know I made some errors from some of the facial expressions I was getting back.

Giuseppe got me later on to tell me I had really upset one guy who was telling me about his girlfriend going off with his father and how he had tried to kill himself and that I kept laughing and grinning all the time. Word soon spread, "Keep away from the retard".

By the end of the night I was all alone by myself, an outcast among outcasts, the lowest of the low. Branded a crazy by a bunch of the craziest crazies you'll ever meet. I've dug up better people than the collection of lower forms I met that night during my days as a grave digger and undertaker. But that's a story for another night ( I was offering cut price funerals).

I decided to depart this rabble and slipped out a side door and vanished into the night. I knew I would not be missed and my prime spot on the least mouse infested sofa would be quickly snapped up by one of the rat pack.

1.10am
Got to go and get a little sleep . Another day another daymare. 8 days a week.

May 6th is the day we are living for if we live that long. The day BB returns to work.

We need a break to climb a mountain or jump in a lake.

Over and out

Robbie brokenback Retard